How to | Speak Like a Glaswegian

In our September issue, we visited Glasgow in our My City pages. If you were inspired to a visit yourself, here’s a little primer on how to speak like a true Weegie while you’re there. 

Awa' an bile yer heid
Meaning: ‘Go away and boil your head.’ Or get lost, take a hike, etc etc. 

Baltic

Meaning: Cold (etymology fairly obvious, and Glaswegians know a thing or two about the cold, so if THEY say it’s Baltic out there, we believe them.)

Bampot

Meaning: Idiot, probably derived from the English word ‘barmpot’, a pot for storing yeast.

Coupon

Meaning: Face, likely from the French ‘couper’, meaning ‘to cut. It’s thought French soldiers in battle referred to decapitated heads of the enemy as ‘coupons’, and that somehow filtered through to the streets of Glasgow, 

Hee-haw

Meaning: Nothing. The sound a donkey would make, or a loud laugh. As in “how much is in your wallet?” “Absolute hee haw!”

Wean

Meaning: child, as in a baby who would be weaned off the breast. 

Scunnered

Meaning: Disgusted. From the old Scots ‘skunnyr’ meaning to flinch or shrink back from. 

Piece
Meaning: a sandwich or slice of bread. As in a ‘jeely piece’ (jam sandwich). A piece referred to a piece of bread but it came to mean a sandwich, too. Not that a true ‘piece’ is not a tidily cut-up sarnie but a couple of slices of bread, stuffed with filling that probably falls on your top as you eat it. 

Haud yer wheest

Meaning: shut up. Wheesht once existed in English as ‘whisht’ and both simply mean ‘shush’. 

Greet

Meaning: To cry, coming from the Old English ‘gret’. A ‘greetin’ face’ is a cry baby.

You can read all about Anna Pande’s Glasgow in our armchair travel pages, My City, in our September issue.

More from My City…

More from our September issue…

A Brief History | Dolls' Houses

Tiny things hold a special sort of charm. It’s no wonder dolls’ houses have been popular for centuries. Join us on a journey through dolls’ houses across the years. 

In the beginning

No one is quite sure when the first dolls’ house was created but it may be as early as the 16th century and the earliest were likely made in Germany. Probably originally known as ‘dockenhaus’ or ‘miniature houses’, these were not toys, but statements of wealth. In Holland they were known as ‘cabinet houses’ and they were essentially posh storage for all your expensive treasures. They had glass fronts on hinges, and inside, a rabbit warren of ‘rooms’ in which to display your precious and tiny things. 

Dolls’ houses in education

Their next incarnation was as an educational tool for young ladies. Dolls’ houses were an ideal way to show them how to run a household, deal with servants and generally become au fait with being the lady of the house - all in miniature. They would have contained all the usual furniture as well as brooms, cooking pots and other practical pieces. Like Upstairs Downstairs but REALLY small. 

Baby steps

By the 18th century, the next step in the development of the dolls’ house was the ‘Baby House’, an exact replica of the owner’s home, down to the furniture in every room. Like the original cabinet houses, they were created in order to show off the owner’s fabulous wealth (but without having to let your friends nose about your actual house). 

Play houses

It was not until the 19th century that dolls’ houses became objects for children to play with. And it took an industrial revolution for them to become mass-produced enough for anyone but the incredibly rich to own one. In the aftermath of World War II, manufacturers got up and running again, plastic was suddenly becoming available and many toy producers began their own dolls’ house lines, which began to sport ‘working’ parts, such as washing machines that span, doors that opened and shut and taps that turned on and off. 

Life in Plastic

The 1960s to the 1990s was a bit of a boom time for dolls’ houses. With Playmobil, Barbie and other toy brands producing their own houses in increasingly different themes and styles, suddenly there was a dolls’ house for everyone. Leaving the traditional Victorian town house look behind, now you could have houses for dollies that dwelt in Miami apartments, bungalows, tree houses and more. 

Dolls’ house reboot

Was it Jessie Burton’s The Miniaturist that did it? Or were dolls’ houses in all their tiny glory just always waiting in the (miniature) wings, ready to return to popularity? Dolls’ house enthusiasts, and miniature model-makers are big news on Instagram and you could lose yourself for hours in the impossibly tiny worlds of accounts such as @daily mini, @theclaykitchen and @nunushouse. 

If you’re inspired to see more tiny things, The National Trust website has a list of their properties that feature dolls’ houses for you to visit. You might also like to read our Modern Eccentrics feature ‘The Miniaturist’ in our September issue, which features Elizabeth Joseph, Resident Miniaturist at London’s Museum of the Home.  

More historical fun…

More from our September issue…

Life Advice | From Roald Dahl

In our September issue, you can take our quiz to find out which Roald Dahl character you are most like. While we were doing the quiz ourselves, it occurred to us just how much sense many of Dahl’s characters speak, and how much of that wisdom chimes with all the things we try to fill The Simple Things’ pages with each month. Here are ten life lessons from Dahl Land that we think will help you live a simpler and better life. 

Be curious

‘There are a whole lot of things in this world of ours you haven’t started wondering about yet.’ 

James and the Giant Peach

Enjoy armchair travel

‘The books transported her into new worlds and introduced her to amazing people who lived exciting lives. She went on olden-day sailing ships with Joseph Conrad. She went to Africa with Ernest Hemingway and to India with Rudyard Kipling. She travelled all over the world while sitting in her little room in an English village.’

Matilda

Believe in magic

‘Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.’

Billy and the Minpins

Think good thoughts

‘A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.’

The Twits

Read more books

‘So please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookshelf on the wall. Then fill the shelves with lots of books.’
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Cherish silliness

‘A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.’

Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator

Throw yourself into what you love

‘I began to realise how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it, and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.’

My Uncle Oswald

Suspend your disbelief

‘The matter with human beans,’ the BFG went on, ‘is that they is absolutely refusing to believe anything unless they is actually seeing it right in front of their own schnozzles.’

The BFG

Retain a sense of childish wonder

‘Never grow up,’ she said, ‘always down.‘

George’s Marvellous Medicine

Travel widely, especially within your own imagination

‘That’s why they alway put two blank pages at the back of the atlas. They’re for new countries. You’re meant to fill them in yourself.’ 

The BFG

You can take the Which Roald Dahl Character Are You quiz in our September issue from page 37, and if you feel like dressing up as your Dahl character, Roald Dahl day is on 13 September. 

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More fun from children’s classics…

More from our September issue…

10 things | You Should be Able to Reach from a Deck Chair

Deck chairs are the ideal lounging situation, but once you’ve got comfy in one, physics can work against you and it’s not always easy to hop up again. Some might view this as an advantage… The key is to make sure you have everything you need to hand before collapsing into the canvas. Here are 10 things you should always be able to reach when lounging in a deck chair. 

1. A good book. We recommend a copy of Death in a Deckchair by Peter Boon. When a Murder Mystery event at a swanky hotel goes exactly how we all know it will, reluctant amateur detective Edward Crisp finds his relaxing summer swiftly disappearing before his eyes. But you can still enjoy your relaxing summer over this light and rather charming whodunnit. 

2. Sun protection cream. Very important. No one wants to emerge from a relaxing afternoon in the garden with burnt skin, or - perish the thought - to have to get up and go inside to top up on the Factor 50. Don’t forget to do your ears. 

3. A battery-operated radio. The ideal companion for a garden afternoon. Plays, music and chat are all there at the touch of a button. And if there’s a national emergency, you’ll be able to tune in for all the essential information you need without having to stir from your seat. 

4. A deck chair pillow. Deck chairs are very comfortable but even the most comfy of seating situations needs a little rearrangement now and then. A deck chair pillow straps handily to the top of your chair and allows for a snooze in between your various lounging activities. 

5. A long, cool drink. If you’re really smart you’ll also take out a Thermos with another long, cool drink in it, topped up with ice cubes, for an easy refill. 

6. A hat. Something in straw with a nice wide brim. For snoozing under, additional shade and generally wafting about as if you are in a Merchant Ivory film from the late 90s. 

7. A fly swat. Because you don’t want to have to use your nice hat for seeing off ill-tempered wasps.

8. A copy of The Simple Things. And maybe a few summer back issues, too. We say this only for your benefit, you understand. This is shaping up to be a nice, long afternoon and you wouldn’t want to run out of reading matter. 

9. A tinkly bell for attracting the attention of someone who can refresh your gin and tonic, swap the business section of the paper for the weekend magazine and answer the front door. 

10. A pole, or large stick for hoiking yourself out of the chair, just in case the tinkly bell falls upon deaf ears. You just can’t always get the deck chair staff these days…

Our deck chair must-be-able-to-reach items were inspired by the ‘Looking Back’ feature on the history of the deck chair in our July issue. We hope you can enjoy the read from your very own deck chair this month.

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More ways to appreciate summer…

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Discover | Little Known Glastonbury Festival Facts

Glastonbury is a weird and wonderful place at the best of times, but it gets weirder and wonderfuller for a long weekend each summer as Worthy Farm opens its doors to the world again. The festival runs from 21-25 June this year, so in celebration of that, here are a few fascinating facts to casually drop into conversation while standing in a mud bath in front of the Pyramid Stage with friends (or watching from the comfort of your sofa with a cuppa in hand and your wellies nice and clean in the shed). 

1. The first Pyramid Stage (built in 1971) was modelled on the Pyramid of Giza, built at one tenth of the scale of its namesake. It was built to be on the Glastonbury Abbey and Stonehenge Ley Line to benefit from the line’s auspicious energies. 

2. Glastonbury has had many monikers in its time but since 1990 has been known as Glastonbury Festival for the Contemporary Performing Arts as Michael Eavis felt invoking theatre was more likely to get the event a licence from the local council.

3. In 1999, co-founder Jean Eavis died and a giant wicker angel was ceremonially burned at that year’s festival. REM dedicated their rendition of ‘Everybody Hurts’ to Jean that year. 

4. The wettest Glastonbury was in 2007 when 60.1mm of rain fell in a single day…

5. …And the highest wind speeds recorded at Glastonbury occurred in both 1985 and 1987 when gusts reached 41mph. Hold onto your tents!

6. Free milk from the farm was available at the first ever Glastonbury event in 1970. Worthy Farm still produces more than 10,000 litres a day and you can still buy the milk from the trucks that drive around the festival. 

7. Each year there is a secret stage called The Underground Piano Bar, which appears on no maps of the festival at all. You just have to find it (or find someone in the know). 

8. Glastonbury Festival has a Guiness Book of Records mention, not for its music but for a World Record in juggling! In 1984 826 people at the festival juggled at least three objects simultaneously, managing to keep 2,478 objects in the air at one time. 

9. Glasto 1987 is still fondly remembered as The Year of the Trouser Thieves. Many pairs of trews were nicked from tents overnight and later turned up in a ditch, but the trouserless masses emerging from their tents in the morning was a sight to behold. 

10. It’s not all about the music. Glastonbury has also hosted The English National Ballet, the Dalai Lama and The Wombles over the years.

You can read more about summer festivals in our feature ‘Best of the Fests’ in our June issue, in shops now.
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More things to do this summer…

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Modern History | Top Cats

Inspired by our visit to a cat cafe in our January issue, please meet five of our favourite cats from Modern History

Larry

Role: Downing Street, chief Mouser

Best known for: Smirking in the foreground at the scene of various PMs’ demises and lounging in a louche manner on the doorstep of number 10. 

Macak

Role: Inventor of the Hybrid Car

Best known for: Inspiring the electric car. Well, kind of… The story goes that as a boy Nicholas Tesla stroked his cat Macak’s back and saw sparks of static flying, which inspired his lifelong fascination with electricity and, by association, the hybrid car, years later when Elon Musk took up the Electricity Pioneer baton. What a cat!

Snowball

Role: Muse to Ernest Hemingway

Best known for: Having six toes. Snowball was given to Hemingway in the 1930s by a sea captain, and began the author’s love of polydactyl cats. Hemingway collected six-toed cats thereafter and many of Snowball’s ancestors still roam the grounds of Hemingway’s home in Key West. 

Felicette

Role: Astronaut

Best known for: Being the first cat in space (and the only one to have survived). Felicette beat 13 other unlucky cats to her place in the mission thanks to her unruffled disposition. One small step for man… four tiny paws for felinekind. 

Ollie the Polite Cat

Role: Being Polite

Best known for: Being the star of the 2018 viral meme ‘polite cat’ with his very polite (and quite possibly Photoshopped) smile. We’d probe further but it just wouldn’t be polite. Follow him on Instagram at @Polite_Cat_Olli_Official.

If you’d like to meet some more fabulous cats, don’t miss our Modern Eccentrics feature in which we visit a cat cafe, in the January issue, which is on sale now.

More cats we like…

More from the January issue…

Miscellany | How to do Coffee Art

Think it looks easy? Wake up and smell the coffee! One estimate is that you’ll need around 1,500 coffees to start getting heart art right – the simplest latte art shape to master.

Get the kit: a lipped steel milk jug, milk thermometer, and steam wand (part of the espresso machine).

And the right ingredients: whole milk (its fat content makes things easier) and a freshly made espresso.

Put in the prep: cold milk goes in the jug, with the wand near the base.

Gradually draw the wand upwards until it’s just below the milk’s surface. Look for small bubbles and a temperature in the mid-60Cs (don’t top 70C!). Go with the flow: to pour, tilt the cup and aim for a constant – not too fast, not too slow –pour. Level cup when nearly full to create what Jori @baristainstitute, calls the ‘canvas’. Add artistic flourishes: move the jug closer to add details – practise a gentle wiggle. For a heart, pour a circle and use a final pull through with the jug’s lip to make a heart. This final step is key to many designs.

Capture on camera: Jori suggests filming yourself. Note that he says it took him half a year to master latte art, only becoming ‘great’ after a few years.

The cheat's way: Use a stencil for chocolate or cinnamon on top instead.

These instructions are from our January Miscellany pages, which are always full of fascinating facts and seasonal silliness.

More marvellous miscellaneous things…

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Quiz | What's Your Board Game Personality

Are you a role player or a traditional race gamer? Card shark or collaborator? Take our Simple Things Board Games quiz and find out what your board game strengths are and which sorts of play you would be best suited to. Let the games begin!

1. What was your best subject at school?

A. Probably PE. It was always great to get outside from a stuffy classroom and I was on all the school teams. 

B. Drama. I threw myself into every school play. I was always a bit of a nerd and felt happier when hiding behind a role. 

C. I was barely there! I’d go into school in the morning for registration, then get changed in the girls’ toilets and head into town for the day over the back gate. 

D. I was a bit of a maths genius. I’m still faster than the till in the supermarket!

E. Geography. I like seeing the world from others’ perspectives

2. What’s your greatest fear?

A. Losing. 

B. Real life. 

C. Being bored.

D. I’m not saying. 

E. Upsetting others.

3. What’s your ideal board games night snack?

A. Something quick and easy to eat like a pile of nachos.

B. Cran (dwarven bread) and a selection of rustic cheeses.
C. A huge seafood platter, with lobster crackers to get into the crustaceons. Your guests are going to have to WORK for their snacks.
D. Hard liquor. 

E. A few sharing platters, taking into account the vegans, low-carbers and kids. 

4. What’s your motto in a crisis?

A. If you’re going through hell, go fast.

B. Be yourself and if you can’t be yourself, be a Dragon Queen!

C. In. Out. Get the kettle on. 

D. Just roll the dice and see what happens. 

E. No person left behind. 

5. What’s your aesthetic?

A. Simple and classic never lets you down. 

B. A little edgy. Steampunk with a bit of buxom wench thrown in. 

C. Outdoorsy and practical. There’s no such thing as bad weather - just the wrong clothing.  

D. Sleek and smart. You can’t go wrong with a little black dress. 

E. Cottage core and a bit countryside chic. 

6. What’s your Simple Thing?

A. A run round the park, taking in the outdoor gym.

B. Losing myself in a story. 

C. Wild swimming in winter. 

D. Getting the last space in the car park just ahead of someone else!

E. Crafting with friends around the kitchen table.

Now add up your scores…

Mostly As

You’re best at traditional ‘race’ games such as Snakes and Ladders. You like to know exactly what the parameters of any challenge are but you accept that luck plays a large part in life. 

Board game recommendation: Escape from Colditz.

Mostly Bs

Your gaming style is RPG (role play games) like Dungeons and Dragons. You throw yourself wholeheartedly into occasions, never being too embarrassed to give something your all (especially if it involves fighting an orc or stealing a dragon’s gold).

Board game recommendation: Munchkin.

Mostly Cs

You’re an Escape Room aficionado. You like thrills and spills and an element of danger and love to live life bu the seat of your pants. 

Board game recommendation: Cluedo Robbery at the Museum: an escape and solve game.

Mostly Ds

Your gaming style is ‘card shark’. You take games seriously and are always first to suggest getting the wallets out to ‘make it more interesting’. It’s hard to tell when you’re having fun though, due to your poker face. 

Board game recommendation: Splendor. 

Mostly Es

You’re the sort of person who likes collaborative games. You don’t really like anyone to lose and just want it to be fun for everyone. 

Board game recommendation: Mysterium

This quiz was inspired by our Gathering feature in our January issue, which is a menu designed for a board games evening, with food you can eat one-handed and share with your team mates easily. It includes halloumi and cauliflower bites, winter slaw, mac and cheese balls, two types of burgers, churros and root beer floats. 

More games and fun…

More from the January issue…

Book Group | I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

If you’re celebrating Jolobokaflod* with a new book and want something festive and uncomplicated, this gorgeously festive novel by Milly Johnson is like a great big hug. Six people are snowed in at a pub in a tiny hamlet on the Yorkshire moors. Will there be twinkly lights, red wine and plenty of heartwarming romantic unions? Oh, we think there might be…
Questions to ponder Johnson’s books are sometimes seen as “far-fetched.” Do you agree and, if so, did this spoil or enhance it? Which pub would you like to get stuck in?
Further reading You might also like Always in December by Emily Stone or The Christmas Bookshop by Jenny Colgan.

*An Icelandic tradition whereby everyone receives a new book wrapped up with some chocolate on Christmas Eve. We think this should not be only a tradition, but the LAW.

More book group meetings…

More from our December issue…

Fun | Gothic Book Title Generator

Fancy penning a spooky novel but can’t quite get going with it? Let us start you off by coming up with a title for your book.

Simply select from the lists below the first letter of your first name, the month you were born and the first letter of your surname and find out what your Gothic novel should be called. So, for example, If you were called Jane Robinson and you were born in June your book would be called ‘The Trees of Fearful Waters’. There. You’re planning your Booker Prize acceptance speech already, aren’t you?

First pick your opening noun using the first letter of your first name:

a- The Castle. b - The Woman. c - The Curse. d - The Mystery. e - The Darkness. f - The Devil. g - The Man.
h - The Caves. i - The Bridge. j - The Trees. k - The Legend. l - The Tale. m - The Skulls. n - The Secret.
o - The Rats. p - The Vampire. q - The Monster. r - The Ghost. s - The Murmuring. t - The Clouds. u - The Birds. v - The Hounds. w - The Dagger. x - The Heart. y - The Cloak. z - The Creature.

Next pick your adjective by the month of your birth:

January - of Everlasting. February - of Dark. March - of Eerie. April - of Howling. May - of Terrible. June - of Fearful. July - of Satanic. August - of Bloody. September - of Haunted. October - of Cold. November - of Ancient. December - of Murderous.

Finally, pick your closing noun using the first letter of your surname:

a - Horror. b - Crows. c- Hollow. d - Terror. e - Churches. f - Spirits. g - Fear. h - Mists. i - Memories.
j - Sobs. k - Screams. l - Books. m - Dungeons. n - Runes. o - Moors. p - Valley. q - Forest. r - Waters.
s - Dreams. t - Fires. u - Spells. v - Rituals. w - House. x - Manor. y - Grave. z - History.

Why we all love a scary story

There’s nothing new about spooky tales of course. Ghost stories have been an important part of folklore for as long as stories have been told and our oldest myths contain monsters. The act of sharing a story and getting scared together is an age-old bonding experience, a way of being afraid but also having fun. Fear isn’t always an unpleasant emotion, especially if we can see it through and reach a resolution. When we experience fear, we get a surge of adrenaline and endorphins which awaken all our senses and give us a rush of energy. After the moment has passed and we’re no longer afraid, we relax and experience a flood of post-horror calm.

Read more about why scary stories are good for us in our Wellbeing feature, Little Shot of Horror in our October issue. And if you pen that spooky story, please do share it with us so we can enjoy being vicariously frightened!

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More from our October issue…

A few more things to scare your socks off (in a good way)

For Fun | Spine Poems

Poetry can be found in the most surprising places. See if you can spot some in the wild

The wonderful thing about poetry is that you can find it anywhere. Look around you and you’ll find words creating images in billboards, graffiti, on cereal packets... A well-crafted poem is a thing of beauty, certainly, but ‘found’ poetry is somehow more magical: two words that accidentally rhyme, or mirror each other, or simply form a new meaning, having collided completely by accident feels like a happy secret. 

In our October issue, our ‘Gallery’ feature took images from the book Spine Poems by Annette Dauphin Simon (Harper Design). Spine Poetry (see the one above) began as a game in a Florida bookshop when Annette and her colleagues would compete to spot the hidden poetry in the spines of randomly stacked books. So the one pictured above reads:

Like my father always said

Listen to your mother

Listen to your heart

Listen to your Gut.

What’s for dinner?

Clever, isn’t it? You can read a few more of the Spine Poems from page 44 of the October issue. We were so enchanted by the idea, we thought we’d see what a Simple Things Spine Poem from the last 12 months would look like. For those who don’t keep their back issues lined up beautifully on their book shelves, here’s our Spine Poem taken from the magazine’s spines from last November to this October. 

Building Bonfires & making gifts

Taking time to live well

Candles & clementines

Snowdrops & seedheads

Bunches of flowers & sunny day cycling

Easter chocolate & spring adventures

Floral dresses & being outdoors

Salad days & summer nights

Lavender fields & lemon spritzers

Jolly sunflowers & going barefoot

Ripe tomatoes & trying something new

Birthday cake & gathering seeds

We’d love to see your spine poems, too. Do snap a picture and comment on our blog or tag us on your social media with your own Spine Poem pictures. 

Image taken from Spine Poems by Annette Dauphin Simon (Harper Design) which is released on 13 October and can be ordered now.

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Book Group | The Book Thief

The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak

Share with your book group, read alone and join us virtually on The Simple Things sofa, or simply find a bit of inspiration.

Not many books are narrated by Death himself, and that gives this novel set in 1939 Germany a unique perspective. We follow Liesel, a little girl being sent away to live with strangers whose brother dies on the journey. She steals a book and so begins a lifetime of finding comfort and strength in the pages of books.

Questions to ponder
How does this book compare to wartime stories from a British perspective? Are the concerns similar?

Further reading
The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly also looks at the impact reading can have on us. It follows an orphaned child who lives in an attic room, surrounded by books that have begun to whisper to him…

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More inspiration for your book club…

Quiz | Which member of The Famous Five are you?

Hallo! We’ve a jolly exciting quiz for you all! Just answer the questions below and you’ll discover which Famous Five character you are most like. “Gosh,” we all said. “Woof!” said Timmy. 

1. Which page of The Simple Things magazine do you always turn to first?

1. I always read the Editor’s message. I like to know what the issue is about and make sure I’m clued up as to what it’s all about. 

2. I love to read about others’ adventures and often turn to the Wisdom pages first to be inspired by people doing something new and different. 

3. Anything outdoorsy, especially if it’s on water - wild swimming, boating, paddle-boarding. 

4. Home Tour! I just love seeing the beautiful ways in which people turn a house into a home. And the recipes! I love to whip up a batch of something sweet for my friends!

5. Cake in the House. I could just woof it down in one go. 

2. What’s your ‘role’ in your friendship circle?

1. I’m the leader. To be honest, I don’t know where they’d all be without me. 

2. I’m the crisis manager. I tend to be the one that sorts out all the problems and gets my hands dirty - even though I don’t get much credit for it.

3. I’m the ideas person, I tend to drive our meet-ups, be the one who comes up with the ideas and then sees it through. 

4. I’m the calming influence. It’s always me clearing up at the end of a good night. Someone has to I guess!

5. I’m the loyal one and the glue between us all. I’d do anything for my friends. 

3. What is your must-have picnic item?

1. A delicious ham. An army marches on its stomach and so do I!

2. Spam sandwiches. Easy and delicious. And even better sheltering under a tree in the rain. 

3. Ginger beer! Lashings of it!

4. Hard-boiled eggs. 

5. Potted meat - or a juicy bone!

4. You have caught a cold (due to swimming in the sea in April) and are unable to go on your planned holiday. What will you do instead?

1. I’d look into the mystery of the birdwatchers down by the old ravine. I suspect they are forging banknotes!

2. I’d help Uncle Quentin with his investigations into two scientists who have gone missing, suspected of selling secrets to the Russians!

3. I’d just go swimming some more. 

4. Tuck myself up in bed with a good book and make sandwiches for my holiday pals for when they return. 

5. Round up some other friends and go for a nice walk in the sunshine. 

5. You’ve been locked in a deserted house on an island by smugglers. What do you do?

1. I would delegate someone to alert the police, someone to distract the smugglers and I would get the boat ready to make good our escape. I’m a bit of a hero like that. 

2. I would rig up a rope and pulley system to climb to the top of the roof and use a magnifying glass to start a small fire and alert the coastguard. Then I would swing down and make a citizen’s arrest just in time for the police to arrive. 

3.  I would tear the smugglers off an absolute strip. It’s not their bally island anyway. It’s my island. 

4. Sit tight and wait for help to arrive. Oh, and I’d make everyone a strong cup of tea to see us through. 

5. Run for help. Untie a boat using only my teeth and then float it out to sea and shout loudly for help until someone followed me back to my friends. 

6. What is your ‘Simple Thing’?

1. A job well done. 

2. Small adventures.

3. Swimming outdoors.

4. Making my home cosy. 

5. A good long walk.

Mostly As

You are Julian. A born leader and a great organiser. But perhaps try not to let it always <show> quite so much?

Mostly Bs

You are Dick. You’re always in the thick of the adventure and can be depended on to show no fear.

Mostly Cs

You are George. You love the outdoor life (and your dog) but can sometimes be a bit blinkered to the needs of others at the expense of your own needs. 

Mostly Ds

You are Anne. Welcoming and a wonderful host, you love nothing more than home-making and helping others feel at home, too. 

Mostly Es

You are Timmy the dog. You are loyal, brave and love tasty treats and a good walk!

Read our ‘Nostalgia’ feature, Lessons From The Famous Five, in our September issue, in shops now. 

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More from our September issue…

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How To | Have a Secret Day Off

A day off just to yourself is the best secret. Disappear for a day, Agatha Christie style, and recharge your batteries. Here’s how…

Book a day off, pack up a lunch, turn off your phone, and disappear somewhere nobody knows you! (It’s a good plan to leave a secret envelope and alert a loved one to your vanishing just in case but otherwise, jump on a bus or train and enjoy nobody knowing where you are for a few hours. 

Before you book trains or make plans though, decide what you want from the day. We’ve come up with a few ideas to get you going. 

In need of a bit of culture?

Head to a city with a gallery or museum you’ve never been to. If you’re in the north, Edinburgh, Oxford, York and Glasgow are good options for cities with galleries and plenty of culture. Brighton, Bristol and St Ives are good if you’re a touch further south, 

For a quirky museum, try the dog collar museum in Leeds, the pencil museum in Keswick, or the Flea Collection (viewable only through a microscope)at Tring Natural History Museum. 

In search of adventure?

Climb a hill! Pen Y Fan in the Brecon Beacons is a nice easy hill to climb if you’re a beginner. Yes Tor in Dartmoor or Cat Bells in the Lake District are also good choices for a ‘do in a day’ mountain hike. Just pack plenty of water, snacks, warm and waterproof layers and maps. And this is one to disclose to a loved one, maybe. You don’t want Mountain Rescue being called out for nothing. 

Fancy lunch alone?

Pop a good book in your bag, do some menu perusing and find an eatery where you can relax alone over several courses, not feel silly and - crucially - not have to make pointless small talk. Here are a few ideas that are perfect for a date with me, myself and I:

Asian restaurants where the kitchen is on view give you plenty to look at without feeling silly for being alone. From Wagamamas to Shoryu Ramen, Japanese street food was made for eating alone. If you don’t fancy watching the chefs at work, why not go for a restaurant with a view. Anywhere on the water is a good bet - there the scenery is always changing. We like Hix Oyster and Fish House at Lyme Regis, or the River Exe Cafe in Devon, but you might find the most humble of pizzerias or cafes on the banks of a river anywhere. 

Do a secret event 

It might be a non-league football match (or even a big league team you’ve followed). Or how about seeing a favourite band in concert, a premier for a film or exhibition or the recording of a TV show you love? Or even the opening of the Chelsea Flower Show? Whatever it is you fancy doing, do your research and then book your day off around it. Bonus points if you appear on the big screen in your sunglasses and hat disguise!

Hide in nature for a day

Drive or take a train to a wood or planned walk with amazing views. Visit a beach with great sunsets with a Thermos of soup. Or simply find a path through fields that will allow you a pleasant walk, plenty of fresh air and lots of peace and birdsong. Try The ORdnance Survey’s Get Outside app https://getoutside.ordnancesurvey.co.uk/app/ for more ideas and to plan a walk. 

Looking for nostalgia?

Why not visit somewhere you’ve been before? It might be your home town if you’ve since moved away (and can rely on your playgroup teacher not spotting you and squeezing your cheeks) or it could be the location of a childhood holiday or a first holiday with a new partner. There’s nothing quite like the thrill of turning each corner and saying to yourself “Oh! That’s just how I remember it!”

Feeling spontaneous?

There’s lots of fun to be had in simply sticking a pin in a map or a train route planner and Just Going. You could make it fun by picking a page number of the A-Z and just going there, or deciding to visit somewhere with a rude name, or a castle or a beach that you’ve never been to. The best part is never telling anyone you went there. 

We were inspired to plan a Secret Day Off by our feature How Hard Can It Be to take a Secret Day Off in our September issue.  Buy this month's The Simple Things - buy, download or subscribe

More from our September issue…

More outings to get excited about…

Book Group | To The River

To The River by Olivia Laing

Share with your book group, read alone and join us virtually on The Simple Things sofa, or simply find a bit of inspiration.

In To The River Olivia Laing follows the River Ouse, where Virgina Woolf drowned herself 63 years ago, from its source to the sea one summer’s day. As we follow her, we reflect not just on this one river and its literary connections, but also on the role that rivers play in fiction, mythology and more. A lyrically beautiful non-fiction read.

Questions to ponder
How does history weave its way into landscapes that you know? In what ways are rivers a metaphor for creativity?

Further reading
In A Sleepwalk on the Severn, a play for voices, poet Alice Oswald describes walks along the Severn

Find our book group every month on our Almanac pages where you can also read about seasonal things to note and notice, plan and do each month.

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Simple Things | Summer's Tiny Pleasures

We’re all about celebrating the simple things in life. Here are a few things we love about summer

• Picnics in odd places: on a tiny roof garden surrounded by tomato plants; in a tree house; on the kitchen floor. A familiar thing in a new place.

• A neatly-packed suitcase: everything, for the moment; beautifully ordered; the ideal number of socks – not too many, nor too few; a smart jacket, well folded; more of life should be like this.

• Celadon blue: or perhaps it is really more a shade of green; hard to decide; it’s serene without being passive; cool and ample – your gaze can rest in it.

• Fresh French bread and butter: so simple, so reliably delicious, it’s the marriage that’s magical – the butter is salty and sleek, the bread is soft, yet chewy and filling.

• The sound of cicadas: the ideal sound of summer, a hot day; work means making a salad for lunch, driving to glance at a ruined temple and an afternoon swim.

• The heat as you step off the plane: it’s physical, in your lungs, on your forehead. It implies afternoon naps, ice, lemons. You’ll be someone slightly different here.

‘Summer’s tiny pleasures’ is taken from Small Pleasures (The School of Life Press) theschooloflife.com. Read more about putting first the things you love in our feature The Pursuit of Pleasure, in our August issue. And if you’re all about the simple pleasures of summer, you also will not want to miss our Gathering feature, Field Day, which includes lots of ideas and recipes for a simple summer picnic in a meadow… or anywhere you choose! From cocktails and chipolatas to toasting marshmallows and tucking into muffins - it’s a recipe for a jolly good summer’s day in the sunshine.

More from our August issue…

More things to love about summer…

Nomenclature | Roller Derby

It’s all in the name where Roller Derby is concerned. Here we have collected together some of our favourite team and player names. Warning: this blog is pun heavy

If you aren’t familiar with Roller Derby you can read all about it in our June issue, where we meet some Roller Derby women in our regular Modern Eccentrics feature. It’s a whole new world, is Roller Derby, with its own rules and culture. Basically, it’s a contact sport on wheels, played on a flat oval track. During each ‘jam’, each team fields four blockers and, behind them, one jammer. The jammer scores a point for each blocker they lap from the opposing team. It’s masses of fun. And massively brutal. 

Possibly our favourite thing about Roller Derby, however, is the amazing name that both the players and the teams give themselves. To give you an idea, we’ve collated lists of our favourites here. 

Our favourite Roller Derby team names

The best team names are feminine, funny and fierce. Bonus points if they reference the game. Here are a few we admire:

Women of Mass Destruction

Spawn of Skatin’

Blockwork Orange

Belles of the Brawl

Grim Derby Scarytales

Split Lip Sallies

Heels ‘n’ Wheels’

Polly Wanna Smack Her

Shevil Knevils

Sweatie Betties

Our favourite Roller Derby player names

Here’s where you can get really creative. Take a famous or literary name, and jazz it up, Roller Derby style, with a lot of pun, a bit of literature, and a lot more fearsome adjectives…

Audrey Deathburn

Pippi Longstompings

Alice in Wounderland

Pain Eyre

Hermione Danger

Sylvia Wrath

Agatha Crushdie

Wilma Shakesfear

Tess of the Derby Wheels

Jabba The Butt

If you’re inspired to learn more, the Roller Derby feature starts on page 60 of the June issue. And we’d love to hear your ideas for Roller Derby names. Send us yours in the comments!

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More modern eccentircs…

More from our June issue…

Dream divination | What bees mean

If your dreams are filled with the buzzing of bees, here’s what it might mean

Bees are heavy in symbolism, appearing in myths and folklore in many cultures, from the Mayans to the Celts to the Native Americans. No wonder, really, that they turn up in our dreams from time to time. If you’ve had a dream about a bee, or even a swarm of them, here’s what it might mean. 

In general, dreaming about bees indicates something positive, according to dream psychology. Bees in dreams are generally linked to hard work, or efficiency. Perhaps you are busy with a new project at work or have a personal project on the boil such as moving house. 

More specifically, if your dream involves honey, it’s said to be a portent of wealth to come, or of a reward for hard work. A full hive is, unsurprisingly, a good omen of riches, whereas an empty hive might be a sign of imminent failure, particularly financial. A beehive on fire, also unsurprisingly, is an omen of very bad news. Particularly for the bees, we imagine. 

A swarm of bees may symbolise your fears of responsibility to a group, whether that’s work colleagues or family. 

Being stung by a bee is apparently a symbol of running away from pain. Again, no surprises there.

Meanwhile, being chased by bees suggests you are too invested in the future above the present (presumably invested in a future in which you are not being chased by bees). 

Or perhaps, you’ve simply got a wasps’ nest in your attic that’s disturbing your peaceful sleep. Who knows?  You can find out more about your dreams and the signs from universe by reading your natal chart.

The beautiful garden bumblebee pictured above is one of the buzzy chaps featured in our Bee Identifier from our May Miscellany pages. They’re from a print by Kate Broughton. You can buy a copy of her bee print from her shop.

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More bees to please…

Magic | Do the Tablecloth Trick

Always harboured a secret desire to whip a tablecloth out from under a fully laid table? Us too. We’ve got good news… Anyone can do it!

Surprise your family and delight your friends with this impressive trick. And you don’t need to be Paul Daniels to have a go. Here’s how to do The Tablecloth Magic Trick…

1. You need a table with straight sides, not curved - that messes with the physics.

2. Choose the right cloth. It should have as little traction as possible on the table, so smooth, slightly silky material is great. The table should be clean and dry, too. You want that cloth to slide across it easily. Also, your cloth should have no hem. 

3. Place the cloth on the table with most of the ‘overhang’ on the side you’re going to pull from. 

4. Carefully lay your table with crockery and cutlery. You can start with unbreakable crockery if you’re nervous. It actually helps for the items on the table to be heavy, so you can weight glasses down, for example, by filling them with water, which also adds to the effect. Pop a red rose in a glass of water if you’re feeling showy. 

5. When you’re ready, grasp the tablecloth edge firmly with both hands and pull downwards towards your feet, quickly. Hesitate, or pull straight out to the side and you’ll mess it up. 

6. Take a bow. 

How does it work?

It’s more a feat of physics than a magic trick. There’s no sleight of hand involved. The tablecloth trick is an illustration of Newton’s theory of inertia in action. If an object is at rest, it stays at rest unless acted on by another force. So the tablecloth, when pulled, leaves the table and the items on it where they are because the force of it moving is not enough to move the items at rest on it. 

If you’d like to have a go at this trick and are in the market for a new tablecloth, you might like to read our Looking Back feature on the history of tablecloths in our May issue, which is adapted from The Elements of a Home: Curious Histories Behind Everyday Household Objects From Pillows to Forks by Amy Azzarito (Chronicle Books).

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More from our May issue…

More nice things to put on your table…

Quiz | Run Away to the Circus

Had enough or the daily grind? Roll up for our Circus Career Quiz and you could be off to a new life in the circus today

We all occasionally reach a point in life, where we just want to down tools and run off to join the circus. Easier said than done, you might think? Not so, with our New Life in the Circus Quiz.  Find out where your Big Top Niche lies and where you could best employ your transferable skills. 

Q1. What sector do you work in?

A I don’t work. Well, I do have a couple of volunteer roles. And I do some occasional freelance work. And I help out at my children’s school. And I look after my dad who’s quite frail now. And just, you know, the shopping, house admin, DIY and all that. But no, I don’t do much really. 

B Engineering

C Entertainment

D Emergency Services

E Project management

Q2. How do you like to relax?

A By doing hobbies. I always have at least two things on the go. 

B I’m an adrenaline junkie. I can’t relax until I’ve had a good long run or a sea swim, or been climbing. 

C Just having a giggle with friends. 

D You’ll laugh, but I love firewalking. It’s an amazing experience and you feel so serene afterwards. 

E. I’m not very good at relaxing. It makes me edgy. 

Q3. Who is your favourite famous clown?

A. Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons

B. Grock, the Swiss Acrobat/Clown

C. Lou Jacobs - the inventor of the clown car.

D. Pennywise from Stephen King’s It. 

E. Grimaldi, of course, the Father of Clowning

Q4. What would be your last meal?

A I’d cook a roast dinner with all the trimmings. 

B A huge stack of pancakes, flipped and stacked with loads of syrup.

C Custard pie.

D A vindaloo. With extra chillies.

E Something with a bit of showmanship, maybe a Steak Diane, followed by Bananas Foster. 

Q5. What is your greatest skill?

A People often say I’m a great multitasker.

B I’m very flexible and adapt easily to any new situation. 

C I think I make people laugh. 

D I’m fearless.

E I’m highly organised and I think people respect that. 

<Drumroll…> And the results are in!

Mostly A 

You’re a juggler. Never one to stand still, you have no problem with keeping your eye on the ball and with handling more than one task at a time. 

Mostly B 

You would make a great acrobat. You’re fast, flexible and ready for anything. Maybe you could turn those skills to a physical arena and find a new life up on the high wire.

Mostly C 

You’re a born entertainer and would make a fabulous clown. You make people smile and don’t take yourself too seriously but you’re also a sensitive soul who people empathise with. Just don’t offer to do any driving as part of your new role. And if you do, don’t offer a lift to all your friends. 

Mostly D 

Danger is, if not your middle name, then definitely your watchword. With your can-do approach to life - and a slight dare devil streak, dare we say? - we think you’d make a great fire eater. Please leave the man-made fibres at home, though.

Mostly E 

In your current life, you’re the one that holds it all together. People look to you for direction and you’re usually meticulously well organised. If you ran off to the circus, we think you’d swap your online organiser for a whip and work your way up to being ring master in no time.

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