Competition | Win flowers for a year

Cheer your home all year round with 12 months of scented blooms from Scilly Flowers

Spring is just around the corner and as the promise of new growth pokes its head through the frozen soil, we are reminded of the joy that flowers can bring to these often dreary grey days of winter. With that in mind, we’ve teamed up with Scilly Flowers to offer one lucky reader the chance to win a whole year’s worth of flowers delivered direct to your front door.

Just imagine receiving a fresh box of 40 scented blooms every month for a year – that’s sure to put a smile on your face and add a burst of colour to your home, no matter what the weather is up to outside. In the winter months you’ll receive scented narcissi with their pretty miniature daffodil flower heads, while in summer, scented pinks – similar to carnations but with more delicate, pastel shades – will perfume the air.

Churchtown Farm on St Martin’s, part of the Isles of Scilly, has been sending flowers for the past 30 years and is now in the capable hands of Zoë and Ben Julian, the latest generation to keep the flower growing tradition alive and thriving. Located just off the coast of Cornwall, the flowers flourish thanks to the tall hedges and drystone walls that provide shelter from the bracing Atlantic winds, allowing them to grow outdoors without any additional heat or light.

The ideal gift to brighten someone’s day, Scilly Flowers are then picked and packed in paper to minimise plastic packaging and, as they are sent straight from the farm direct to the recipient, they don’t clock up any unnecessary ‘flower miles’, keeping their environmental footprint to a minimum. Once on display, these beautiful blooms are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face and remind you of the joy that’s home grown in Scilly. For more info, visit scillyflowers.co.uk or follow on Insta: @scillyflowers.

HOW TO ENTER

For your chance to win a year’s supply of scented flowers (one box of 40 flowers every month), answer the question below by the closing date of 9 March 2022.

Q What is the name of the farm where Scilly flowers are grown?

Terms and conditions

The competition closes at 11.59pm on 9 March 2022. One winner will be selected at random from all correct entries received and notified soon after. Flower substitutions may be made depending on availability. The winner cannot transfer the prize or swap it for cash. Details of our full terms and conditions are on p125 and online at at icebergpress.co.uk/comprules.

Playlist | Feel good tunes

Click here to listen to our feel good tunes playlist on Spotify

Our soundtrack to February. Songs to lift the spirits, no matter how grim it is out there.

DJ: Lilith Hudson

Illustration: Shutterstock

Primer | Spy Gadgets

At the International Spy Museum in Washington DC, some of the world’s most intriguing and ingenious gadgets can be found. Here are just a few…

An unassuming lump of explosive coal was issued with its own dinky camouflage kit so that spies could colourmatch it to local coal.

America’s dog poo homing beacon directed planes to missile strikes in the 1970s. It doesn’t look very convincing, truth be told, but who’s going to be staring that intently at it, really?

The trees have ears! During the Cold War, a solar-powered tree stump listening device was placed near a Soviet airbase to eavesdrop for the CIA.

Pigeons are the world’s most decorated birds, and for good reason – 95% of wartime pigeons successfully completed their missions. Some even wore a tiny camera to spy on the enemy.

The KGB’s lipstick pistol could dispense the kiss of death in a flash. Not one to be fished out of a make-up bag by mistake on a bleary morning, though.

Closer to home, the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick has a rather nifty deception device of its own. In 1942, Charles Fraser-Smith – the man who inspired Ian Fleming’s character of Q – asked the Cumberland Pencil Factory to design a special hollowed-out pencil that could house a secret map, to be given to Lancaster Bomber pilots. A compass was hidden under the rubber, something we’d be bound to lose within about three minutes.

These gadgets were collated for our Looking Back feature on spies from our January issue. Read all about some of the world’s most famous spies (and their gadgets) from page 84.

More from our January issue…

More looking back…

Magical Creatures | Weasels vs Stoats

How to tell a weasel from a stoat… because it’s a bit of a must(elid), actually

Weasels get a pretty bad press, don’t they? It’s the weasels we remember squatting in Toad Hall in The Wind in the Willows, eating all of Toad’s food, drinking his drink and generally carousing in a threatening manner. In fact, the Wild Wooders included many a mustelid in its number, including ferrets and - YES - stoats, but it’s always the weasels we remember. And weasels are portrayed no better in the Little Grey Rabbit books, where they peer through cracks in the walls of their criminal lair at passers-by. They don’t get a much fairer hand in etymology either, with all the connotations of weaselling one’s way out of something, or using ‘weasel words’ to dissemble. Cherchez the stoat, we say! Weasels can’t be the only wrong-uns of the mustelid family. 

Since it seems the horse has bolted in terms of weasels’ reputations, we thought the least we could do is ensure you can tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat, so there are no weaselly aspersions cast upon stoats and vice versa.

Size

The stoat is the bigger animal, though it’s a subtle difference. Stoats grow up to around 40cm, while weasels only tend to make it to 27-30cm. 

Gait

Stoats have a bounding movement and arch their back as they run, in rainbow-shaped arches. Weasels tend to shimmy along the ground more.

Coat

Both are brown but some stoats (particularly in Scotland) get a festive white coat in winter. 

Tail

The easiest way to tell a weasel from a stoat is to look at its tail. Stoats’ tails are quite long and have a black tip, like a paintbrush - think of all those black bits in ermine. Meanwhile, weasels’ tails are plain old brown and the shape is much stubbier. 

Habitat

You can find stoats and weasels throughout Britain, although in Ireland there are no weasels; only stoats. However, Irish stoats are known as weasels. Confused yet? Let us put it this way: if you’re in Ireland you are looking at a (British) stoat but you should address it as a weasel. Clear? 

Behaviour

Weasels are far more likely to break into stately homes and scoff all the comestibles and break everything. A stoat might be easily led into such bad behaviour but it’s unlikely he will ever be the instigator. If you have trouble with either stoats or weasels in your home, however, you should send in a badger, preferable brandishing a candlestick. 

The illustration above by Zuza Misko is from this month’s Magical Creatures page on the stoat. It’s in the January issue, which is on sale now. If you wish to, you can buy some of Zuza’s Magical Creatures prints from our online store.

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More magical creatures…

More from our January issue…

Competition | Win a Unique hideaways break

Win a voucher worth £500 for a unique getaway in the UK

Are you looking for a break away off the well-worn path? Longing for time and space to switch off and actually unwind. Enter our competition and be in for the chance of winning a £500 Unique hideaways voucher.

As the new year welcomes us, our minds start to turn to all the plans that lie ahead for the future months. Whether you long for salt-kissed sandy escapes along the Cornish coast or for a cosy log cabin getaway in the Welsh countryside, Unique hideaways has a wide range of one-of-a-kind places to stay in hidden corners across the UK.

Summertime escape or winter getaway?

Whether you wish for a mid-summer soiree where you wake to the warmth of the morning sunshine as you sip your freshly brewed coffee alfresco, or you prefer to escape to nature in the depths of winter, where you embrace a windswept walk before returning to soak in your own private hot tub and gaze up to the star lit sky. Unique hideaways have a wide range of luxury glamping accommodation for you to choose from, that are just perfect for all year-round escapes.

Choosing your hideaway…

From shepherd’s huts with mesmerising sea views, to converted horseboxes with woodfired hot tubs, Unique hideaways have a bespoke collection of quirky accommodation just perfect for a special break away. Browse their cabins, wagons, airstreams, yurts, safari tents and even houseboats and allow your mind to run wild and free. Make that daydream of escaping the ordinary become a reality.

How to enter

For your chance to win a £500 Unique hideaways voucher, simply click the button below and answer the question: What type of hideaway originates from Mongolia?

A.     A shepherd’s hut

B.     A houseboat

C.      A yurt

Terms & conditions:
Entries close at midnight on 21st February 2022. One winner will be selected at random from all entries received and notified soon after. The winner will win a voucher worth £500 to put towards their stay at a Unique hideaway. If the cost of the stay you choose exceeds £500 the winner will have to cover the extra cost. If the cost of the stay is lower than £500, Unique hideaways will send a new voucher of the remaining total to be spent on a future stay at Unique hideaways. Full terms and conditions are at icebergpress.co.uk/comprules.

Think | Cakeasions

We think it’s ALWAYS time for tea and cake. The question is: which is the correct cake for the relevant occasion?

If there’s one thing we know about January it’s that this is absolutely NO time for giving up cake. Healthy it may or may not be, but in terms of your wellbeing, cake is most certainly where it’s at. Of course, that doesn’t mean one needs to be mindlessly mainlining Mr Kiplings every hour. When we talk about ‘Cakeasions’ what we mean is being able to correctly identify the right cake for the right occasion: that sweet and sticky mess for when your heart is broken, that solid, fruity concoction for rainy days when you need a bit of bolstering against the cold. 

To help, we’ve put together a few occasions that we think benefit from cake and suggestions for matching cakes to problems. Read on and feel both comforted and satiated. 

Cakeasion: A good long walk

Cake: What you need here is parkin for your pocket. Robust (so as not to get squished on the walk) and with a gingery kick to keep you going, a pocket of parkin will be welcome on any winter walk. Thermos of tea recommended but not essential. 

Cakeasion: Fika

Cake: The Swedish concept of Fika (pausing briefly in your day for a spot of coffee and cake) is best suited to something small and light; the Swedes never overdo things. We’d recommend a classic Swedish Almond Cake; nice and light and goes excellently with coffee.

Cakeasion: Well done, you!

Whether it’s a graduation, a baby or simply ‘well done on getting through the week’, cake is always a good way to say ‘Congratulations!’

Cake: Something a little showy and silly. Perhaps a good old Victoria sponge dressed with fresh fruit and edible flowers. Because flowers are lovely, but flowers you can eat (on top of a sugary sponge) are even better, right?

Cakeasion: A broken heart

Cake: Broken hearts require chocolate; no question about it. Whether you’re making a cake for the broken-hearted or are on the lookout for something to mend your own ticker, a chocolate fudge cake should do the trick. Don’t stint on the chocolate fudge icing. 

Cakeasion: Secret cake

Cake: Eaten, standing at the cupboard in the kitchen with your coat still on while everyone else brings the shopping in from the car, or scoffed from a secret tin in the shed while sorting our your seed packets, there’s something special about clandestine cake. For this occasion we would recommend a cake that doesn’t drop crumbs and which can be swallowed quickly in an emergency if people approach: a Jamaican ginger cake or anything else fruitless and baked in a loaf tin fits the bill. 

Cakeasion: Rainy day cake

Cake: This is the kind of cake you pull out of the back of a cupboard on a Sunday afternoon when the doorbell rings. It needs to be a cake that keeps well because you never know when it might be required. We think a rich fruit cake with plenty of nuts on top should do it. Wrap it tightly and freeze it and it could last up to a year.

This blog was inspired by our recipe for Poppy Seed Snack Cake from our January issue. It was taken from One Tin Bakes Easy by Edd Kimber (Kyle Books) Photography: Edd Kimber

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More cakes to bake…

More from our blog…

How to | Ice Skate Without Embarrassment

If it’s been a while and you don’t want to embarrass yourself on the rink, read our quick ice skating primer and you’ll be Jayne Torvill dancing to Bolero in no time (in your head at least).

Assuming you haven’t hit an ice rink since you were in short trousers, but have an invitation to one this winter, fear not. It’s not *quite* like riding a bike but it’s definitely something you can be passable at within an hour or so. 

Getting started

When you first get on the ice, it goes without saying that you should stick to the barriers to begin with. They’re there for you to hold onto, particularly while you find your ice legs again. Now is not the time for a Triple Salchow. Remember: enthusiasm bears no relation to skill. 

Standing on your own two feet

Once you feel a bit steadier, you can let go of the barrier but perhaps stay within grabbing distance for now. Go around the outside of the rink, first taking marching steps with each foot and then beginning to glide on just one foot with each step, as if you were riding a scooter. Then try it on the other foot. Once you’ve got the hang of the step, glide, step, glide business, try doing a little glide with each foot on each step you take. 

A word on posture

As you skate, you should keep your knees just loosely bent and your arms close to your body. This will keep your centre of gravity steady. And you don’t want wibbly wobbly passers mistaking your flailing arm for an offer of support and grabbing it as they hit the ice, either. 

Getting up speed

Now you’ve mastered gliding you can try ‘stroking’, which is basically a long glide. With each step forward and glide you take on one foot, lift the other behind you and as you step onto the foot in the air and glide on it, you lift the first foot behind you. You’re properly skating now. 

How to fall well

Learn to fall with grace, rather than from grace, by getting out in front of the problem and practising falling and getting up. First, make sure you aren’t going to fall in front of another skater. Bend your knees quite low into a crouch, lean forward and then tip gently onto your side onto the ice. Roll immediately onto your bottom and put your hands in your lap; this is essential if you want to avoid any nasty skate-blade-fingers interfaces. Once you’ve checked around you that no other skaters are nearby, turn onto all fours, place both hands on the ice in front of you and put one foot between your hands. Once you’re steady move the other foot between your hands, too, and push yourself up to a standing position. Practising falling and getting up is really important, both for safety and to avoid looking like an upturned turtle in mittens, crying and getting sweaty and wishing you’d said you’d look after the bags and coats by the mulled wine stall instead. Trust us. We speak from experience. 

How to stop

Last but very much not least, you’ll need to know how to come to a halt. It works the same way as stopping on skis: turn your toes inward so that the sides of the blades make a bit of a snow plough effect on the ice, which will slow you down. (Alternatively, you can do what most people do and career helplessly towards the barriers shouting “MOVE IT OR LOSE IT” and let physics do its work as you hit the wall.)

The picture above is from our feature Let It Snow, in our December issue, which you can still buy a back issue of from our online store. If you’re a fan of celebrating the micro seasons, including snow falling and everything icing over, look out for our January issue feature, The 72 Seasons, which explains a few of the ‘micro’ seasons to enjoy during winter, and at other times of year, too! The January issue is in shops now. 

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More winter inspiration…

From our January issue…

Competition | Win olives for a year

We’ve teamed up with The Real Olive Company to offer two lucky winners the chance to win olives for a year. That’s a mixed case of olives delivered to your door for the next 12 months, a massive £500 worth of olives to be won in total!

The Real Olive Company’s mission is to ‘create sustainable, delicious food, bursting with natural vitality’ which is why they source their olives from trusted artisan growers on the shores of the Mediterranean - real people who understand the unhurried rhythms of the olive tree.

From grove to table, every step they take retains each olive’s natural goodness so you can enjoy the most authentic olives adding some sunshine to your day. 

Olives don’t just taste good, they are good. All those months of ripening, fill the fruit of the olive tree with health-giving qualities. They’re rich in oils, minerals and vitamins A, B, E and K as well as containing essential omega 6 and omega 3 fatty acids – what’s not to love?

So, whether it’s to enjoy as a healthy snack, use as a versatile cooking ingredient or to accompany a glass of wine, their award-winning olives, antipasti and brand new tapenades are perfect to have to hand to create simple delicious meals and for sharing with friends and family.

If you resolved to eat more healthily during 2022 (or just love olives!), this is the perfect prize for you!

How to enter

Just click on the button below and answer the following question:
The Real Olive Company source their olives from trusted artisan growers on the shores of which sea?
a) The Meditteranean
b) The North Sea
c) The Baltic Sea

Terms and conditions

Two winners will be selected at random from all entries received and notified soon after. One mixed case of olives, antipasti and/or tapenade (6x pots), will be delivered to each winner once a month from February 2022 to January 2023. The case will be randomly selected each month.  The competition closes at 11.59pm on 7 February 2022. The two winners will then be chosen at random from all correct entries after this time and notified shortly after. Full terms and conditions are at icebergpress.co.uk/comprules.

Birdwatch | The Bullfinch

Beautiful bullfinches are easy to spot in bare January trees

Look for: White rumps, black wing markings and pinky-red breasts and cheeks – like they’re blushing (the males are the brighter ones; the females a little more of a grey-pink).

Spot them in: UK gardens, hedgerows and woodlands.

Listen for: A call that’s a sort of low-pitched whistling ‘peu’ sound.

Birdwatch is a new series on our ‘Almanac’ pages. Find more seasonal things to note and notice and things to plan and do each month on our Almanac.

More from our blog…

More things for twitchers…

Science lesson | How frost is made

Waking to a sprinkling of frost on the lawn, leaves and cobwebs is a little bit magical, but how does frost actually happen?

It’s all about the ‘dew point’. The dew point is the temperature at which water vapour in the air is so cold it turns from gas to liquid and appears in droplets on grass, plants, cars etc. When objects outdoors become colder than the dewpoint, that water vapour which has turned to dew freezes, forming tiny ice crystals. Because cool air sinks, frosts happen more commonly in low-lying areas, such as valleys, and frosts tend to happen overnight because the air is cooler then.

It’s a little more complicated than that though. And, for the frost curious, here are the various ‘types’ of frost:

Hoarfrost (or radiation frost)
Forming on outdoor objects and on the ground outside, hoarfrost is made up of tiny ice crystals, created when dew freezes.

Window frost
Less common in these days of double glazing, window frost occurs when there is cold air on one side of the glass and moist air indoors. Brrrr!

Advection frost
This sort of frost is formed from small ‘spikes’ of ice rather than crystals and tends to happen when the wind blows over tree branches, rooves and telegraph wires, freezing water vapour on those objects as it gusts. 

Rime
Yes, as in ‘of the Ancient Mariner’. Rime often forms on ships or other objects near the sea. Rime occurs in very cold, very wet locations and it forms very fast. It’s much more dramatic-looking than other types of frost and can often make an object appear to be made from solid ice. 

Join us on a winter walk where we appreciate frost and much more in our January issue. Our Outing feature, Sights, Drama, Action begins on page 76.

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More winter nature to appreciate…

More from our blog…

Make | Pine Needle Cough Syrup (and other immune boosters)

Pine features in many commercial cough syrups, alongside menthol or eucalyptus to aid breathing. This traditional remedy relies on the high vitamin content of the pine needles and is also heavy on the honey to soothe scratchy throats.

Pine needle cough syrup

Makes 500ml

250ml water
150g pine needles, washed carefully
250ml honey

1 Bring the water to the boil in a small pan and add the pine needles. Cover and simmer for 5 mins, making sure the pine needles stay submerged. 

2 Strain the liquid into a jug and discard the pine needles. Return your strained liquid to the clean pan. 

3 Add the honey, then return to the heat and simmer gently for 5 mins.

4 Decant into a jar or bottle and leave to cool. When cool, fasten the lid.

Maker’s note: Store in the fridge for up to 3 months.

Note: most commercial Christmas trees are sprayed with pesticides so forage your pine instead and give the needles a good bath before use

Oldie-but-goodie immune boosters

If your get up and go has got up and gone, try one of these natural boosters for your immune syste,

The hot toddy

There’s no science behind the alcohol bit, apart from it might send you off to sleep quicker, but the warm liquid and spices will help to thin mucus and soothe a sore throat and a nice hot toddy can definitely perk up your mood.

Chicken soup 

More than just comfort food, chicken contains an amino acid cysteine which can act as a decongestant. And, as with any homemade soup, it’ll contain lots of nutrients from the bones and veg and water for extra hydration, which you need when suffering.

Garlic milk

This might turn your stomach but the combination of garlic and/or onion with honey and a warm drink can help ease coughs and colds due to the antibacterial properties of the garlic/onion and mucus-dissolving honey. Gently heat a glass of milk, add diced onion and/or a crushed garlic clove, take it off the heat and leave to infuse for 20 mins. Strain and add 1–2 tsp honey (raw if possible) per cup. 

Drinking vinegar 

Fruit vinegar has been used for centuries for its anti-inflammatory and antibacterial properties. You can make your own apple cider or fruit vinegar but you’ll need to leave it to ferment for 4–6 weeks. Or you can buy it ready to use. The Bath Alchemist Apple Cider Vinegar Wellness Tonic comes in three flavours. Add a tablespoon of vinegar daily to water, tonic or mix into a dressing. 

Gargling salt water

Gargling with warm salt water and nasal cleansing with a saline spray from the chemist can both help reduce the length of cold symptoms according to studies. 

Steam inhalation

Dry air can make congestion and sore throats worse, but steam will help to clear your airways. You could have a hot shower, steam your face over a sink with a towel over your head and maybe a few drops of eucalyptus essential oil, or use a cool mist humidifier.

The Pine Needle Cough Syrup is one of the makes from our Heart Body Soul feature by Lottie Storey in our January issue, which also features recipes for Dark Pine Nougat Bars, Pine & Rosemary Ice Cream and Pine Vodka. The immune booster ideas are from our feature, Cold Comforts, by Rebecca Frank, also in our January issue; it’s a one-stop shop for fighting off winter sniffles. 

More natural winter remedies…

More from our blog…

January | Could-do lists

We do love a list, but most of all, we love a no-pressure, just-for-fun list

Here at The Simple Things, we bring you a Could-do List every month. It’s just a few suggestions for things you might like to do in the coming weeks. We don’t believe in ‘to-do’ or worse ‘must-do’ lists, so we hope our ideas are more gentle inspiration. You might do one or two things, you might do them all, or you might do none at all. There’s no pressure; that’s the beauty of a Could-do List. 

Above is our January Could-do List - we hope you find some inspiration there. And because it’s the start of a new year, we asked some of the Simple Things team to share their ‘Could-do’ thing for 2022. Please feel free to share yours in the comments below.

“My could do for 2022 is to waste more time; do more pottering, ambling, wandering and dreaming. Inspired by that phrase we had on a chalkboard once: ‘Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time’.”
Lisa Sykes, Editor

“Getting more sleep.”
Karen Dunn, Commissioning Editor

“We're going to decorate and rearrange the spare room to make it a 90%-of-the-time home office and 10%-of-the-time guest bedroom instead of the other way round, as it is now.”
Joe McIntyre, Art Director

“To set aside time specifically to finish my embroidery (a lockdown hobby purchase).”
Abbie Miller, Sub Editor

“To become a member of my local hotel swimming pool. I swim regularly at a municipal pool but I want to go somewhere with silly fluffy robes and free shampoo that makes me feel like I’m on holiday.”
Iona Bower, Editor at Large

“Make a lockdown photobook with all the pics we took out on walks, of the kids doing home school projects and us all with long crazy hair!”
Rebecca Frank, Wellbeing Editor

“I want to switch my savings and current account over to bank with strong ethics or at least know where my money is being invested.”
Frances Ambler, Deputy Editor

More could-do lists…

More from our blog…

Christmas | Clementine and sage posset

Posset is a beautiful creamy dessert that is ridiculously easy to make, and here its richness is tempered by the addition of the sage

This refreshing dessert will perk up a leftovers lunch for friends and use up and double cream and clementines left over from Christmas.

Serves 6
600ml double cream
200g caster sugar
8 sage leaves
Zest and juice of 3 clementines
3 peeled and sliced clementines, to serve

you will need
6 small glasses or ramekins

1 Heat the double cream, sugar and sage leaves together over a low heat, stirring until all of the sugar grains have dissolved. Bring to a gentle simmer for 1 min, then remove from the heat and fish out the sage leaves. 
2 Add the zest and juice to the cream mixture and stir well, then divide the mixture between the glasses. Leave to chill for several hours (you can make this a day before and keep it in the fridge).
3 Serve with the sliced clementines, topped with chopped sage and a little honey.

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From our December issue…

More Christmas recipes…

Recipe | Brussels Sprout Bhajias

This simple recipe will see off the rest of the sprouts on for a Post-Big Day Buffet

Makes 16

2 tsp cumin seeds, bashed
2 tsp mustard seeds, bashed
1 tsp turmeric
225g gram flour
1 tsp flaked sea salt
270ml water
1 onion, finely sliced
2 green chillies, deseeded and thinly sliced
Thumb of ginger, grated
300g Brussels sprouts, halved and shredded
Vegetable oil, for deep -frying

1 Mix together the cumin seeds, mustard seeds, turmeric, gram flour and salt. Pour in the water and whisk into a batter. Stir in the onion, chilli, ginger and sprouts until well coated.

2 Half fill a saucepan with oil and heat until bubbling. With a tablespoon, drop balls of batter into the oil and fry for 4-5 mins , until golden. Drain on paper towel and keep warm in a low oven.

These Brussels Bhajias are part of our menu for a post-Christmas turkey buffet, with an Indian flavour. You can find the rest of the recipes, including Carrot & Parsnip Pakora, Turkey Makhani and Cranberry Chutney, starting on page 36 of the December issue.

More from our December issue…

More ideas for leftover festive food…

Christmas crackers: How to wear a paper hat plus six awful cracker jokes

There is a moment at every Christmas lunch when the paper hat is unfolded from
a cracker and plonked on the head. These crown shaped hats are peculiarly British and are said to either date back to Roman Saturnalia celebrations, or Twelfth Night knees-ups as a nod to the king or queen, depending on which source you believe. Whatever their provenance, these hats that suit no one are best worn without self-consciousness and endured until the turkey arrives, when they can be ‘accidentally’ brushed off and swept under the table.

Six awful cracker jokes

How do you drain your sprouts at Christmas?
With an advent colander.

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What do vampires put on their turkey?
Gravey.

Why did the turkey decide to join the band?
Because it had drumsticks.

What's the best thing to put in a Christmas pudding?
Your teeth.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrot?

You’re welcome.
 

More Christmas fun…

More from our December issue…

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Christmas recipe: Mulled white wine

The scents of cloves and cinnamon wafting from this wintry punch are a wonderful accompaniment for any Yuletide gathering, or take some out to warm carol singers this evening

Mulled white wine with cinnamon & cloves

Warming spices and wine in a toasty tipple that tastes as good as it smells

Serves 6
1 x 750ml bottle white wine
500ml cider
Juice and zest of 1⁄2 orange
1⁄2 lemon, sliced
3–4 star anise
3 cinnamon sticks, plus extra to serve (optional)
1 tbsp cloves
1 vanilla pod
4 tbsp caster sugar

Heat all the ingredients in a pan, until steaming but not boiling. 

Serve with cinnamon sticks, if you like.

This recipe was originally published in our December 2017 issue but it’s just as warming and festive today.

More from the December issue:

More Christmas posts:

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Sponsored post | Burning Ambitions with Woodsure

Make sure you’re using the most efficient fuels possible thanks to the Government-backed Ready To Burn certification mark

After the hubbub of the party season, the new year is often a time to reflect, to be kind to yourself and to make plans for the year ahead. During this quiet time, it’s natural to want to hibernate – to curl up in front of the soft glow of a wood-burner or multi-fuel burner and to take it easy. However, not all fuels burn the same and part of creating the ideal ambience is knowing what fuels are best to burn safely and efficiently without impacting the environment and surrounding air quality.

To make life easier, lookout for wood or manufactured solid fuels that carry the ‘Ready To Burn’ certification mark. This means they’ve been certified as suitable for immediate use and the wood doesn’t need to be dried out before burning. Ready To Burn wood fuel gives a better burn because it’s proven to have a 20% lower moisture content, meaning it creates less smoke than wetter wood, which helps to reduce pollution. Ready To Burn solid fuels also meet smoke emissions and sulphur content standards.

From this year, Ready To Burn fuels are even easier to find because the scheme is backed by DEFRA as part of The Air Quality (Domestic Solid Fuels Standards) (England) Regulations 2020. The law now restricts the sale of wet wood sold in volumes under 2m³, which is the equivalent of about two dumpy bags. And for those who buy wood fuel in bulk, suppliers must now provide an advisory notice that the wood requires further drying before use.

So as you snuggle up in front of the fire, knowing the fuel you’re burning is the most appropriate for the environment should give you that warm feeling, both inside and out.

To find a trusted Ready To Burn wood fuel supplier, visit readytoburn.org.

Meanwhile, don’t forget to have your log burners and chimneys checked regularly in order to get the best from your fuel. Find a local HETAS Registered professional at hetas.co.uk.

Bake: sun bread for Yule

Make bread rings that look like the sun to summon it back (and to dip into your soup, too)

The Pagan celebration of Yule (Winter Solstice) begins on 21st December and we still incorporate many of Yule’s traditions today, such as bringing in a Yule log and hanging mistletoe. This simple sun bread is an easy make and a simple way to cheer and warm the darkest day of the year. Make one for your supper to dip into soup and one for a friend or neighbour to spread the sharing message of Yule.

You will need

400g strong plain white flour

115g plain white flour

300ml slightly warm water

1 tsp salt

1 sachet (7g) easy-blend

dried yeast

How to make

1 Sift flours and salt into a large bowl, mix in the yeast and add the water. Mix to form a soft dough. Turn onto a floured surface and knead for 10 mins.

2 Oil a bowl and put the dough into it, covering the top with cling film. Leave in a warm place until doubled in size.

3 Flour three baking trays. Tip the dough out onto a lightly floured

surface and split into three portions.

4 Take one portion and roll it out into a long, thin length and join the ends

to form a circle. Place the circle onto a baking sheet and stretch it a little

more, then take a handful of flour and sprinkle and rub it all over the circle.

5 Take a pair of scissors and snip diagonally into the ring, then pull out

the point of the snip to form the first of the bread sun’s rays. Repeat all the

way around, pulling out the points as you go, and taking care not to disturb

the flour coating: it is the difference between the flour-coated parts and

the uncoated snipped parts that will help form the ray-like patterning.

6 Cover loosely with cling film or a clean tea towel and then repeat the

whole process with the other pieces of dough. Leave the covered rings to

prove until they’ve doubled in size.

7 Heat your oven to 200C/Fan 180/400F and bake for 35-40 mins,

until the tops are golden brown and the bases make a hollow sound when

tapped. Serve warm or cold.

This recipe was first featured in our December 2017 issue alongside other recipes to celebrate Yule, by Lia Leendertz. Photography by Kirstie Young.

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More celebrations for midwinter…

More from our December issue…

Science | Christmas Eve Explained

Concerned about Santa’s travelling plans this year? Fear not. We’ve uncovered the science behind the annual delivery of Santa’s sacks

Anyone who’s battled with Post Office queues during Advent will have at some point spent some time pondering upon how Santa makes it to 700 million odd children in different time zones around the globe. To save you wondering any further, we’ve followed the science and explained the Father Christmas Facts for you here. 

Santa Science Lesson 1: breaking the speed of light

Einstein showed that a very fast-moving object actually slows down time. Santa has around 31 hours (due to the rotation of the Earth) in which to deliver gifts to all time zones. To do this, he must travel at a speed of around 6 million miles per hour. However, as he speeds up, time would slow down, meaning he could take it a little easier on the sleigh pedals. 

Santa Science Lesson: fitting down chimneys

You’d think all the chimneys might slow Santa down but, assuming he goes down them himself rather than simply hurling the presents out of the sleigh and hoping for the best, the Theory of Relativity again helps him out. Travelling at 6 million miles per hour would make Santa thinner (in the direction he is travelling in). So as he whizzes down the chimney, his body becomes longer and thinner, allowing him to squeeze through the most awkward of spaces. 

Santa Science Lesson: space travel

The sleigh travels faster than the speed at which NASA spacecraft return to Earth. To prevent the sleight incinerating itself, we conclude that Santa must have used the sort of heat shield that NASA employ to prevent rockets burning up as they reenter the atmosphere. The technology was only developed during the Cold War so we can only assume that before then, the Arctic temperatures the reindeer and sleigh bring with them from the North Pole are enough to cool the sleigh as it travels. 

Santa Science Lesson: fitting all the presents on the sleigh

The question of how the sleigh holds all the presents, both in terms of mass and volume is an interesting one. Scientists estimate the sleigh, once fully loaded, would weigh approximately 1.2 million tonnes. The number of reindeer required to pull that would be around 5.6 million. We can therefore conclude that either Santa has a lot more reindeer than we know about, or that he is using newly developed nanotechnology to somehow shrink the presents on the sleigh and return them to their usual stature on solid ground. We can’t think of any other explanation.

We hope that’s answered all your gift delivery queries. If all that has got you excited for stockings, turn to page 116 of our December issue where we’ve gathered some snaps of our favrourite mantelpiece stockings, like the ones above by @drs.wife.

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