Fun | A Secret Christmas Day Off

Escape into your own company for a clandestine day off all to yourself

Seeing family and friends is one of the great joys of Christmas time, but the endless round of get-togethers can take its toll. Taking a day just for yourself between Christmas and New Year is an easy way to ensure you remain on top festive form, and it feels even more special when it’s a bit clandestine. 

Before you begin planning your Secret Christmas Day Off (SCDO), you’ll need to prepare the ground. If you share a home with others and are planning to spend your SCDO at home, it’s a good idea to buy the others some tickets to something they will enjoy (and preferably something you couldn’t be less interested in) so you can be sure they clear off for the day. Write something on the calendar that will fool anyone who happens to be standing in your kitchen, so when they ask you over for yet more festive drinks you can glance at it and declare “Oh, darn it! Looks like I’m doing my speed awareness course on that day. How very annoying!” (or similar). 

Now the ground is laid, the game is afoot. All that’s left is to decide what you will do with your SCDO. Chances are, you already have a list of all the things you would love to do if you ever had the chance but if not, here are ten ideas that might act as starting points.

1. Head to the coast. Blow away the Christmas cobwebs with a splash in the sea (or just a quick paddle if it feels a bit nippy and you’re not an experienced outdoor swimmer). Pack plenty of things to help you warm up after, and take a hot lunch or have chips on the beach. 

2. Read a spooky book. Christmas is traditionally a time for ghost stories and there are plenty of spooky novels that you can knock off in a day. Try a collection of MR James short stories or go trad and read Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’. Draw the curtains, light the fire and enjoy being a little scared (in a good way). 

3. Have a cook up. If you didn’t have time for homemade mince pies or gingerbread before Christmas, now is your moment - and it avoids relegating the chestnuts and mincemeat to the top cupboard for another year. It’s also a brilliant way to see off any leftovers. Sprout kimchi, anyone? The freezer should be emptyish post Christmas so you’ll have plenty of space for stashing away homemade treats to make January a little fancier. 

4. Get a train to a town with an excellent cafe and some decent shops for mooching in. Bonus points if it has great charity shops too, which should be bulging with unwanted bargains at this time of year. The journey is as important as the destination here, so look for a picturesque route if possible and take a book and a flask of tea to while away the journey. 

5. Watch a box set while you cut up the Christmas cards for next year’s gift tags. You can choose whether you’re going to catch up on a series you missed out on this year or watch an old favourite… We are dusting off the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice already.

6. Visit a gallery and enjoy it at your own pace. Check what’s on and what’s open when as some will have different opening hours over Christmas, but most will be open from the 27th. You probably ought to have tea and cake in the cafe, too. That’s what we would do.

7. Have a duvet day. If ever there’s a time of year when you could really benefit from a day in bed, this is surely it. Start by getting up and showered (bear with us; this needs doing properly). Then, don nice, clean pyjamas (and maybe fresh sheets if you can muster the energy) and get back under the duvet for a day of rest. Listen to the radio or an audiobook, read, write some letters, phone a friend… do whatever you fancy to pass a few hours in a restful way. All meals should also be consumed in bed so get a tray and give your menu some thought. This is probably not the day for spaghetti Bolognese but it might well be the day for smoked salmon sarnies, posh cheese on toast and a box of chocolates. 

8. Get a Good Job done. You know those jobs that somehow never make it to the top of the list, even though you would actually really enjoy doing them? Dedicate a day to one of those. It might be bottoming your wardrobe and refolding and organising everything in it. Perhaps you’d like to make all your photos into photo books so you can always access your happy memories. Maybe you’d like to reorganise all your wools, threads and craft materials into nice, neat storage. Whatever it is, the task should be enjoyable (we aren’t talking defrosting the freezer, here). 

9. Take your senses on a day out. We all feel a bit sluggish at this time of year. Spend a day reawakening your five senses in whatever way you enjoy. Start with an aromatherapy massage, perhaps. Try out a sound bath if there’s one near you, or listen to a classical concert. Make lunch a tasting menu somewhere or go to a local vineyard for a wine tour and tasting.  

10. Have a trip down memory lane. Rediscovering your past might feel a little self-indulgent but done alone, it can be just lovely to step back in time, rekindle memories and notice how far you’ve come without feeling you’re ‘dragging anyone around’ or not having enough time to stop and stare yourself. Take a walk past your childhood home, or maybe the home where your grandparents used to live and notice how the trees have grown and the building has changed over time. Wander around your old university town or somewhere else you lived only fleetingly and see what’s new. Or simply look up an old haunt and go for lunch in a cafe you once frequented regularly, have a swim in the pool where you once had lessons or watch a film somewhere you had a first date. A day spent reconnecting with your past can feel like a few hours spent in the company of your old self. A strangely comforting thought. 

You can find more inspiration for things you could do this month in our regular ‘Could-do List’ at the front of every issue.

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How to | Do a Swimming Pool Handstand

Want to look effortlessly sporty and stylishly carefree at the same time? Here’s how to do an underwater handstand. 

Practise the following steps in secret - perhaps on early mornings at the pool - until you can do an underwater handstand with ease (and without causing alarm… or a tidal wave). Don’t be tempted to try it on land though (unless you are a gymnast or under the age of 12).

1. Choose a depth of water you feel comfortable in. Deep water will support your body more, meaning you don’t have to use as many muscles or exercise so much balance. However, the deeper the water, the harder it is to keep your hands on the pool floor. Shallower water makes it a little easier to stay on the bottom but you won’t be buoyed up by the water so much. Experiment a bit and find what suits you best but maybe start with the water about waist height.

2. Plant your feet firmly together on the floor of the pool and take a deep breath into your lungs. Hold your breath and in one, hopefully swift, movement lift your feet, bring your knees into your chest and plant your hands, palm down, where your feet were. 

3. Once your palms are firmly on the floor of the pool, steadily push your legs up into a handstand position. Once they’re there, point your toes and press your legs together (this will help you stay in position). While you’re practising, you can always ask a trusted friend to catch your legs for you.

4. When you can’t hold your breath any longer let your legs fall forward over your body and return to a standing position. Once you’ve taken a breath of air, you may shout “TA-DAAAAH!” if you wish. 

Once you’ve mastered a handstand, if you want to be REALLY fancy you might like to take inspiration from the synchronised swimmers (pictured here) that Ella Foote met for our August issue’s Modern Eccentrics page. Photography by Jonathan Cherry. 

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Puzzle | Wild Flowers

Make a cup of tea, get out the biscuit tin, then click on the link below to visit our jigsaws album and put together an online jigsaw of the beautiful image above by Ali Allen above.

The wildflowers pictured are from our feature ‘Foraged Floristry’ by Rachel de Thample from our July issue. Rachel says:

“You don’t need to spend a fortune at the florists when you can forage for local blooms in a sensitive and non-intrusive way. The art of gathering a wild bouquet grounds you in nature, finely attunes you to the unfolding seasons, all while saving money. It also means you’re not buying intensively grown flowers, which often come with pesticide and chemical residues. Summer, when the heat encourages a richer palette, more diversity and abundance, is the best time to make foraging flowers for the table a weekly ritual.

“The golden rule when foraging is to never take more than a quarter of what’s available, but with wildflowers it’s best to only pick one in twenty to ensure you leave enough to provide food and shelter for the wildlife. The Botanical Society of Britain & Ireland (bsbi.org) publishes a code of conduct for picking, collecting and photographing wild plants.”

Click the button below to do the Simple Things Wildflowers jigsaw, popping back here when you need to to view the whole image, then you can pick up the July issue to find out how to turn wildflowers from hedgerows, coastal paths and roadsides into beautiful bouquets.

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How To | Solve Crosswords

The world of crossword puzzles is a fascinating one, but if you’re coming to it as a new puzzler, it can feel like a bit of a closed shop, full of tricks and turns to catch out - or leave you defeated. Here are a few types of clues to look out for and hopefully help you on your way to some completed grids. 

Anagrams

Will include a definition of the word, the letters that form the new word, and an indicator that you’re looking for an anagram (it might say ‘out of sorts’ or ‘muddled’ or something else that suggests a rearrangement. 

Reversals

Similar to an anagram but here you’re looking for a word you simply turn backwards. So ‘Desserts turned hard’ would be ‘stressed’. Desserts is ‘stressed’ backwards and ‘hard’ indicates stress. The word ‘turned’ is a clue that you’re looking for a reversal. 

Containers

This is where the answer is hidden inside one or more word in a clue. So the answer to the clue ‘A trAGEDy to have become old’ might be ‘aged’. 

Double definitions

These clues use words that have more than one meaning and the clue references both. For example: ‘Carry a large grizzly mammal’ could be ‘bear’. 

Homophones

A clue that involves words that sound like each other but have different meanings. So a clue that reads: ‘Sounds like you’re at the tail end of the story’ might have the answer ‘tale’, meaning story but it sounds the same as ‘tail’. Indicators that you're dealing with a homophone clue are phrases such as ‘sounds like’ ‘one hears’, ‘it’s said’ and the like.

Alternating letters

The answer is found taking alternate letters from words in the clue. The Guardian gives this as an example: ‘Young person regularly reading The Beano’. The answer is ‘teen’, a young person, taking alternate letters from The Beano. Look for words that hint at ‘alternating’ such as ‘regular’, ‘periodically’, ‘odd’ or ‘even’. 

Spoonerisms

You may have heard Spoonerisms before, where the first letters of two words are switched. The Financial Times offers this example: ‘There’s a hole in the front door; Spooner wants improved Security’. The answer would be ‘letterbox’ (a hole in the front door) and a Spoonerism of ‘better locks’. These sorts of clues are easy to spot as they will almost always reference The Rev WA Spooner, after whom they are named. 

Initial letters

As you might expect, you’re looking for an acronym here. ‘Initially, furniture can’t have all its refurbishments’ would be ‘chair’. The word ‘furniture’ gives you a clue to the word and the initial letters of the rest of the clue spell out ‘chair’. Often you’ll get a hint that it’s an acronym with the word ‘initially’ or ‘firstly’. 

Deletions

Here, a letter is removed to give the answer so ‘Chicken liver starter, dish left out’ would be ‘paté’. A plate is a dish, and left out indicates a letter has been removed. Chicken liver gives a clue as to the answer. 

&Lit

An &Lit clue is shorthand for ‘& literally so’. It’s a very crosswordy thing where different types of clue are employed but also the answer is the whole clue. Here’s an example from The Times: ‘This means getting excited about start of undertaking’. The answer is ‘enthusiasm’, as described by the whole clue, but you get there by putting the words ‘this means’ around the letter ‘u’, the start of undertaking. 

In our July issue, we took a look at some of the women who made crosswords a phenomenon. You can read more about it (and try your hand at a few puzzles, too) from page 52. 

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History | Signature Hotel Dishes and Drinks

Famous for their striking architecture and sophisticated ambience, many hotels are also famed for the dishes and cocktails invented in their kitchens and at their bars.

Grand Hotels are known for their signature dishes and drinks. The Bloody Mary is said to have been invented by a St Regis bartender. And, in 1915 at Raffles, Singapore, Ngiam Tong Boon supposedly invented the Singapore Sling. Let’s meet a few more Grand Hotel inventions. 

Beef Carpaccio, invented at Harry’s Bar, Venice

Created for a Countess who had been advised by her doctor to avoid cooked meats, this raw beef dish was just the ticket. It was invented by the owner of Harry’s Bar, Guiseppe Cipriani, and named after the artist Vittore Carpaccio who had an exhibition in Venice at the time and was famed for using bright reds, the colour of Beef Carpaccio.

Chocolate Brownies, invented at the Palmer House Hilton, Chicago

In 1893 Bertha Palmer, the wife of the Palmer Hotel’s owner, asked the chef to create a pudding to go into the lunchboxes of female guests who would be going to the World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago. The hotel still bakes them to the original recipe, which includes walnuts and an apricot glaze. 

Peach Melba, The Savoy Hotel, London

When Australian Soprano singer, Nellie Melba, was in London performing in Lohengrin, a dinner was thrown for her at the Savoy by the Duke of Orleans. The Savoy’s head chef, August Escoffier served her fresh peaches and vanilla ice cream on top of an ice sculpture of a swan (a reference to the opera). Due to the swan, it was originally called Peche au Cygnet, but Escoffier later added raspberry puree when he took the idea to the Ritz, and called it Peach Melba. 

The Ritz Sidecar, The Ritz, Paris

Surely one of the world’s priciest cocktails (a mere snip at £1,500), this Parisian tipple is made with Cognac, Cointreau and lemon juice (though apparently The Hemingway Bar at The Ritz, where it was invented has secret ingredients that it does not divulge). We can only imagine at that price that the secret ingredient is gold bullion…

The Martini, The Knickerbocker Hotel, New York

Invented at the Knickerbocker, NYC, the first martini is said to have been mixed by a bartender by the name Martini di Arma di Taggia, for John D Rockefeller, who was strong, dry and smooth, just like a martini… It’s made with gin, Vermouth and orange and citrus bitters. 

If you’re feeling inspired to live more of the Grand Hotel lifestyle yourself, don’t miss out feature, ‘In Grand Style’ in our June issue, where you can learn all about the history of some rather posh hotels. 

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Fun | Games for Picnics

A picnic isn’t complete without a run about and a bit of competition after your sausage rolls and strawberries. We’ve rounded up a few of our favourite games for a picnic

Tug of War

Best for: A gang of mates at the beach.

You’ll need: A long, thick rope.

How to play: You (literally) know the ropes. Mark a line in the sand or chuck a jumper down to be ‘the line’. Split into two equal teams, taking into account size, strength etc (you may need one extra person on one side to even it up). Line up on either side of the rope with the middle of the rope over the line. On the count of three, both teams should pull on the rope. The winning team is the first to pull one of the other team over the line. 

Capture the Flag

Best for: Family groups in the woods.

You’ll need: Two ‘flags’ (they can be t-shirts, napkins, toys or anything else).

How to play: Divide the space into two ‘territories’ (an invisible line between two trees will do) and nominate a space to be a ‘jail’. Split into two teams. Each team should hide the other team’s flag somewhere on their territory. Both teams then compete to find their flag and get it back to their own territory without being tagged and thrown in jail. You can only be tagged on the other team’s territory. A member of your team can release you from ‘jail’ by running to the jail to ‘untag’ you. 

French Cricket

Best for: Neighbours in the park.

You’ll need: A cricket bat and a tennis ball.

How to play: One person is the batter. Everyone else fields in a circle around them, taking turns to be bowler. The batter’s legs are the stumps. The bowler bowls at the ‘stumps’ and the batter must hit the ball away with the bat. If the ball is caught the batter is out and replaced by whoever caught them out. If the batter has hit the ball they may then turn to face the next bowler. If they didn’t hit it they must play the next bowl facing the same way, twisting to defend their stumps from whichever direction they choose to bowl. 

Cats or Dogs

Best for: Couples or anyone getting to know each other

You’ll need: Nothing!

How to play: You don’t even need to get up for this one. Simply sit back over a glass of something chilled and take it in turns to fire ‘choice’ questions at each other. Start with ‘cats or dogs?’ and move on to ‘sweets or chocolates?’, ‘oranges or lemons?’, ‘Piers Brosnan or Daniel Craig?’ and wherever your fancy takes you. 

This blog was inspired by our feature ‘Delicious, Fictitious Picnics’ in our June issue, in which we take a look at picnics from novels. Buy a copy of our June issue in shops or from our online store and join us on the picnic blanket.

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Traditions | Osterbaums

This Easter decoration is simple to make and is an easy way to bring a little spring indoors

Osterbaums have a long history in Germany. Sometimes trees outside are decorated for Easter, but more often, branches are brought into the home. Blossoming boughs – perhaps cherry or blackthorn – are particularly pretty, or those with catkins such as pussy willow or hazel. It’s traditional to adorn them with painted or dyed eggs, though you could also use feathers or ribbons – anything colourful that captures that feeling of spring.

Photography by Sussie Bell. Styling by Selina Lake/Living4Media

This idea is from the March issue of The Simple Things, which you can still buy from our online store and includes lots of ideas for celebrating the season.

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Learn | Basic Origami Folds

The Japanese art of folding paper into shapes and figures is a rather pleasant and mindful way to spend an afternoon. Here’s how to get started.

Before you begin, it’s a good idea to learn a few of the basic folds. Once you have these under your belt there’s actually quite a lot you can do, so it’s satisfyingly quick to get to the stage where you can make small paper shapes. Buy yourself a cheap pack of origami paper (it just needs to be square, basically) and start with some folds. Engaging in such activities not only sparks creativity but also opens up opportunities for craft work at home, allowing you to turn a simple hobby into a productive and enjoyable way to spend your time

Mountain folds

Nearly all origami folds are either mountain folds or valley folds (see below). A mountain fold is any fold where the crease is pointing up and the paper is bending downwards - like a mountain. Take a square or paper, fold it in half any way you like and then place the paper, mountain style, with the two edges on the table and the pointy bit at the top.

Valley folds

These are simply the opposite of a mountain fold. The edges of the paper are pointing upwards and the crease is at the bottom on the table, resembling a valley. It’s the same as a mountain fold, just upside down. You can see some examples of valley folds in the top line of the folds diagram above. 

Squash folds

This gives 3D shape to a piece of origami. You slightly prise open a fold, crease it in the opposite direction, and then flatten it again. 

Reverse folds

You can have inside reverse folds or outside reverse folds; they just go different ways. They’re most famously used to make origami cranes* but are also regularly used to make heads and tails for lots of animals. In an inside reverse fold, a small fold is made on an already folded piece of paper and then unfolded before being pushed inside out into the main fold. With an outside reverse fold, the small fold sticks outwards of the paper rather than inside. You can see an inside reverse fold in the bottom row of the diagrams above.

* Cranes are a classic origami make. Japanese folklore says that if you fold a thousand cranes, the Gods will bring you good fortune.

To see diagrams and step-by-step instructions for all these folds, visit http://www.origami-instructions.com/, which also has instructions for lots of other folds and basic origami patterns. In our March issue we learned to fold origami blossom from the book Blossom Origami by Clover Robin (Nosy Crow). Find the instructions on page 42. 

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Campaign | Finding Your Favourite Cakes

Regular readers will know that here at The Simple Things we’re big fans of cake. At the top of our manifesto is that ‘there should always be cake in the house’. But we want to know what YOUR favourite cake is.  

Please choose your favourite from the list below. Click on the button below and enter the type of cake in the box along with its number (or write ‘10 and your choice of other cake) by the closing date of 31 March.

1. Victoria Sponge/Sandwich

2. Ginger Cake

3. Carrot Cake

4. Chocolate Cake

5. Scones

6. Brownies

7. Fruit Cake

8. Coffee (& Walnut) cake

9. Lemon Drizzle

10. Other

Now share your own cake

 We seek out at least one recipe for homemade cake to include in every issue but we’d like to share a few of yours, too. Think of it as a cake swap!

We’re looking for those hand-me-down recipes that are passed on through family and friends, when often the original source is lost or forgotten. Amended, tweaked and altered over the years, they take on a life of their own and the ‘keepers’ among our recipes become worthy heirlooms. 

Send us the details of yours, we’ll select our favourites and with the help of our long-time foodie contributor, Catherine Frawley, we’ll test the recipes, make the cakes and present them for you to try for yourself. 

Along the way maybe we’ll uncover some regional favourites, forgotten delights and a few twists on classics. You can choose any cake you like but (after much debate and discussion at TST headquarters) we’re defining a cake as ‘something you can keep in a tin’ (though we’re prepared to make an exception for fresh cream cakes). They can be traybakes, scones, brownies, buns and any kind of cake but not biscuits, cookies, doughnuts, tarts or other sweet things you have to eat with a fork or a spoon. Do feel free to tell us the story of your recipe if you’d like, too!

Look out for our big cake swap in the June issue! 

How to share your cake recipe

• Email thesimplethings@icebergpress.co.uk with 

• Your name, address, email and phone number in case we need to check details of the recipe

• Name of the cake

• Where the recipe came from (if known)

• The recipe – please include ingredients, equipment, method, cooking time and oven temperature

We’ll be in touch if yours is going to be featured in our June celebration of cakes. The closing date for receiving your recipes is 31 March 2024.

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Fun | Literary (and fictional) Lockets

Lockets have a long history as symbols of loyalty and tokens of love. They were also often used to secrete treasures, from memories to hair to poison! Here, we pay tribute to some famous lockets from books, theatre and film. 

1. Catherine’s Locket in Wuthering Heights

Catherine’s locket represents the two men in her life who loved her in very different ways. When Heathcliff finds Catherine’s dead body, he discovers the locket around her neck contains a lock of Edgar Linton’s hair. Heathcliff pulls it out and replaces it with a lock of his own hair to claim Catherine as his. Nelly Dean later intertwines the two locks of hair and replaces them inside the locket. 

2. Sara’s Locket in A Little Princess

When Sara Crewe’s widowed father is called up to fight in World War One he leaves her at boarding school with a doll called Emily and her mother’s locket, which he promises will keep them connected by magic. Of course, the evil headmistress confiscates the locket and Sara must retrieve it and prove that all little girls are princesses to someone. 

3. Slytherin’s Locket in the Harry Potter series

This locket was enchanted so that only a Parcelmouth (a speaker of ‘Snake’) could open it. Harry steals it from Dolores Umbrage little knowing that it is one of the horcruxes he is searching for - objects that each contain a piece of the evil Voldemort’s soul. Much wizarding angst ensues.

4. Annie’s Broken Locket in Annie

Left by her parents in a New York orphanage, little orphan Annie knows nothing of her mother and father other than the fact that she was left with a note saying they would return for her and half a locket so they could prove they were her parents when they returned. And the rest… is musical theatre history. 

5. Fantine’s Locket in Les Miserables

Desperate to raise money to pay for her dangerously sick daughter’s medicine Fantine sells first her locket and then her hair, before turning to prostitution and then destitution. (Personally, we’d have gone for the hair first, but desperate times call for miserables measures.) 

In our February issue, our Wearing Well page is dedicated to our love of lockets. You can carefully open it and peer inside on page 59 of the issue. 

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Why We Love | Cosy Crime

When the outside world feels a bit bleak, there’s nothing like escaping into a cosy book and cosy crime is as comforting as it gets

4:50 From Paddington by Agatha Christie (HarperCollins) Crime wouldn’t necessarily be your immediate go-to for a comfort read. But, in their neat solutions to difficult problems, and where a sense of order is reached in a chaotic world, they offer an escape from the messy reality of life. For a gentle whodunit that still offers a satisfying brain tease, Agatha Christie is an excellent choice.

The ‘Miss Marple’ mysteries, featuring Christie’s famous sleuth, have a particularly cosy feel, and 4:50 From Paddington is one of the best. A friend of Miss Marple’s arrives for a visit in a terrible state: on her train from Paddington, she witnessed a woman being strangled in a passing train (this may not sound that comforting, but keep reading!). As no corpse is discovered, the police refuse to investigate, but Miss Marple believes that a crime has been committed. Feeling her age, she asks for help from the young, intelligent Lucy Eyelesbarrow, who wrangles a job as housekeeper at a large country house in the area.

Through their alliance, Miss Marple and Lucy uncover surprising secrets, and arrive at the truth of what happened on that fateful train journey in a particularly satisfying ending.

IF YOU LIKE THIS YOU COULD ALSO TRY: The Unexpected Inheritance Of Inspector Chopra by Vaseem Khan (Mulholland Books). In this Mumbai-based mystery, Inspector Chopra’s retirement is complicated by the arrival of a baby elephant bequeathed to his care and an accidental death that Chopra is convinced is, in fact, murder.

This extract is taken from our feature ‘The Comfort Zone’ from our January issue, with words and photography (above) by Miranda Mills. Turn to page 51 of the issue to rediscover cosy reads from childhood favourites and comic classics to rural escapes and period drams.

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How To | Wassail Well

In our January issue we met some Wassailers and were inspired to give it a go ourselves. The idea behind Wassailing is to bless the trees for the coming year and see off evil spirits that may diminish its crop. But mostly it’s just to have a bit of bonkers British fun in dank January. Here’s how to Wassail well. 

For your Wassail, you will need:

A slice of toast (soaked in cider if you like)

Ribbons in Wassailish colours (green, white and red, generally, but do Wassail as you wish)

Some suitable music. If you happen to be friends with a folk band, that is excellent but a playlist on Spotify will do equally well

A saucepan and wooden spoon

Mulled cider or apple juice (recipes below)

A firepit if you have one

How to Wassail:

1. Get your Wassailing music on while you make your Wassailing mulled cider or apple juice. 

2. Once it’s simmering nicely, head outside with your ribbons and tie them to your intended tree. The point of a Wassail is to thank the trees and to ensure a good harvest for next year by seeing off evil spirits from them. 

3. Ban your saucepan with a wooden spoon around the tree to ‘wake up’ the tree and drive evil spirits away. 

4. Light a fire if you like (a candle in a jar will do) and get your warmed cider out. Pour everyone a cup, then pour one on the roots of the tree, and also soak a piece of toast in some of the cider and place it carefully in the tree’s branches. The idea is that birds will take pieces of the Wassailed toast, be well fed and then hang about in the tree, ridding it of insects during the coming year. 

5. Once warmed and cheered by cider, gather together around the fire (or candle) and sing your Wassail songs. 

A song for your Wassail

This ‘Somerset Wassail’ is fairly easy to get the hang of. If you need help with the tune, try listening to The Wassail Song by John Kirkpatrick on Spotify.

1. Wassail and wassail all over the town
The cup it is white and the ale it is brown
The cup it is made of the good ashen tree
And so is the malt of the best barley

Chorus: For its your wassail and its our wassail
And its joy be to you and a jolly wassail

2. Oh master and missus, are you all within?
Pray open the door and let us come in
O master and missus a-sitting by the fire
Pray think on us poor travelers, a traveling in the mire

Chorus

3. Oh where is the maid with the silver-headed pin
To open the door and let us come in
Oh master and missus, it is our desire
A good loaf and cheese and a toast by the fire

Chorus

4. There was an old man and he had an old cow
And how for to keep her he didn't know how
He built up a barn for to keep his cow warm
And a drop or two of cider will do us no harm

Chorus

5. The girt dog of Langport he burnt his long tail
And this is the night we go singing wassail
O master and missus now we must be gone
God bless all in this house until we do come again

Make Wassail Spiced Cider

A bottle of cider (or apple juice if going non-boozy)

Slices of fruit (eg apples and oranges)

1 star anise

1 cinnamon stick

Brown sugar to taste

a few cloves

A small grating of nutmeg

Pile all the ingredients into a large pan or slow cooker and gently mull, then keep warm until you need it.

In our January issue we met some Wassailers and were inspired to give it a go ourselves. The idea behind Wassailing around Twelfth Night* is to bless the trees for the coming year and see off evil spirits that may diminish its crop. But mostly it’s just to have a bit of bonkers British fun in dank January. Here’s how to Wassail well.

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Learn to | Dance on a Longboard

If you like the idea of longboard skating but fancy something a little more elegant than laser flips and pops, you could learn to dance on your longboard.

There are lots of steps and routines you can incorporate into longboard skating but if you’re new to it the one step you need to know is the cross-step. It’s a basic piece of footwork that you can then add steps and moves into and use it to link sequences. Here’s how you do it. 

1. Choose a flat, smooth piece of ground. Start with your feet wide apart in a normal skating position, and start skating to pick up a bit of speed. 

2. Move your front foot back towards the end of the board next to your back foot, taking your weight to the back of the board, and using your arms for balance. 

3. Move your back foot slowly around your front foot, up the board, so your back foot becomes your front foot. 

4. Shift your weight onto your ‘new front foot’ and then smoothly swing your ‘new back foot’ around it up to the nose of the board. 

5. Enjoy looking cool, skating at the front of the board.

6. Do the same in reverse until you’re back at the back of the board. 

7. Max out the car park and feel pretty rad with your gnarly new dance steps.

Who says you can’t be a skate longboarder? In our October issue’s Modern Eccentics feature, Julian Owen met a group of women from Bristol Girls Longboard. Jonathan Cherry took the photos and did the Ollies. You can read all about them from page 76.

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How to | Speak Like a Glaswegian

In our September issue, we visited Glasgow in our My City pages. If you were inspired to a visit yourself, here’s a little primer on how to speak like a true Weegie while you’re there. 

Awa' an bile yer heid
Meaning: ‘Go away and boil your head.’ Or get lost, take a hike, etc etc. 

Baltic

Meaning: Cold (etymology fairly obvious, and Glaswegians know a thing or two about the cold, so if THEY say it’s Baltic out there, we believe them.)

Bampot

Meaning: Idiot, probably derived from the English word ‘barmpot’, a pot for storing yeast.

Coupon

Meaning: Face, likely from the French ‘couper’, meaning ‘to cut. It’s thought French soldiers in battle referred to decapitated heads of the enemy as ‘coupons’, and that somehow filtered through to the streets of Glasgow, 

Hee-haw

Meaning: Nothing. The sound a donkey would make, or a loud laugh. As in “how much is in your wallet?” “Absolute hee haw!”

Wean

Meaning: child, as in a baby who would be weaned off the breast. 

Scunnered

Meaning: Disgusted. From the old Scots ‘skunnyr’ meaning to flinch or shrink back from. 

Piece
Meaning: a sandwich or slice of bread. As in a ‘jeely piece’ (jam sandwich). A piece referred to a piece of bread but it came to mean a sandwich, too. Not that a true ‘piece’ is not a tidily cut-up sarnie but a couple of slices of bread, stuffed with filling that probably falls on your top as you eat it. 

Haud yer wheest

Meaning: shut up. Wheesht once existed in English as ‘whisht’ and both simply mean ‘shush’. 

Greet

Meaning: To cry, coming from the Old English ‘gret’. A ‘greetin’ face’ is a cry baby.

You can read all about Anna Pande’s Glasgow in our armchair travel pages, My City, in our September issue.

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A Brief History | Dolls' Houses

Tiny things hold a special sort of charm. It’s no wonder dolls’ houses have been popular for centuries. Join us on a journey through dolls’ houses across the years. 

In the beginning

No one is quite sure when the first dolls’ house was created but it may be as early as the 16th century and the earliest were likely made in Germany. Probably originally known as ‘dockenhaus’ or ‘miniature houses’, these were not toys, but statements of wealth. In Holland they were known as ‘cabinet houses’ and they were essentially posh storage for all your expensive treasures. They had glass fronts on hinges, and inside, a rabbit warren of ‘rooms’ in which to display your precious and tiny things. 

Dolls’ houses in education

Their next incarnation was as an educational tool for young ladies. Dolls’ houses were an ideal way to show them how to run a household, deal with servants and generally become au fait with being the lady of the house - all in miniature. They would have contained all the usual furniture as well as brooms, cooking pots and other practical pieces. Like Upstairs Downstairs but REALLY small. 

Baby steps

By the 18th century, the next step in the development of the dolls’ house was the ‘Baby House’, an exact replica of the owner’s home, down to the furniture in every room. Like the original cabinet houses, they were created in order to show off the owner’s fabulous wealth (but without having to let your friends nose about your actual house). 

Play houses

It was not until the 19th century that dolls’ houses became objects for children to play with. And it took an industrial revolution for them to become mass-produced enough for anyone but the incredibly rich to own one. In the aftermath of World War II, manufacturers got up and running again, plastic was suddenly becoming available and many toy producers began their own dolls’ house lines, which began to sport ‘working’ parts, such as washing machines that span, doors that opened and shut and taps that turned on and off. 

Life in Plastic

The 1960s to the 1990s was a bit of a boom time for dolls’ houses. With Playmobil, Barbie and other toy brands producing their own houses in increasingly different themes and styles, suddenly there was a dolls’ house for everyone. Leaving the traditional Victorian town house look behind, now you could have houses for dollies that dwelt in Miami apartments, bungalows, tree houses and more. 

Dolls’ house reboot

Was it Jessie Burton’s The Miniaturist that did it? Or were dolls’ houses in all their tiny glory just always waiting in the (miniature) wings, ready to return to popularity? Dolls’ house enthusiasts, and miniature model-makers are big news on Instagram and you could lose yourself for hours in the impossibly tiny worlds of accounts such as @daily mini, @theclaykitchen and @nunushouse. 

If you’re inspired to see more tiny things, The National Trust website has a list of their properties that feature dolls’ houses for you to visit. You might also like to read our Modern Eccentrics feature ‘The Miniaturist’ in our September issue, which features Elizabeth Joseph, Resident Miniaturist at London’s Museum of the Home.  

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Life Advice | From Roald Dahl

In our September issue, you can take our quiz to find out which Roald Dahl character you are most like. While we were doing the quiz ourselves, it occurred to us just how much sense many of Dahl’s characters speak, and how much of that wisdom chimes with all the things we try to fill The Simple Things’ pages with each month. Here are ten life lessons from Dahl Land that we think will help you live a simpler and better life. 

Be curious

‘There are a whole lot of things in this world of ours you haven’t started wondering about yet.’ 

James and the Giant Peach

Enjoy armchair travel

‘The books transported her into new worlds and introduced her to amazing people who lived exciting lives. She went on olden-day sailing ships with Joseph Conrad. She went to Africa with Ernest Hemingway and to India with Rudyard Kipling. She travelled all over the world while sitting in her little room in an English village.’

Matilda

Believe in magic

‘Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.’

Billy and the Minpins

Think good thoughts

‘A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.’

The Twits

Read more books

‘So please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookshelf on the wall. Then fill the shelves with lots of books.’
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Cherish silliness

‘A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.’

Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator

Throw yourself into what you love

‘I began to realise how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it, and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.’

My Uncle Oswald

Suspend your disbelief

‘The matter with human beans,’ the BFG went on, ‘is that they is absolutely refusing to believe anything unless they is actually seeing it right in front of their own schnozzles.’

The BFG

Retain a sense of childish wonder

‘Never grow up,’ she said, ‘always down.‘

George’s Marvellous Medicine

Travel widely, especially within your own imagination

‘That’s why they alway put two blank pages at the back of the atlas. They’re for new countries. You’re meant to fill them in yourself.’ 

The BFG

You can take the Which Roald Dahl Character Are You quiz in our September issue from page 37, and if you feel like dressing up as your Dahl character, Roald Dahl day is on 13 September. 

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10 things | You Should be Able to Reach from a Deck Chair

Deck chairs are the ideal lounging situation, but once you’ve got comfy in one, physics can work against you and it’s not always easy to hop up again. Some might view this as an advantage… The key is to make sure you have everything you need to hand before collapsing into the canvas. Here are 10 things you should always be able to reach when lounging in a deck chair. 

1. A good book. We recommend a copy of Death in a Deckchair by Peter Boon. When a Murder Mystery event at a swanky hotel goes exactly how we all know it will, reluctant amateur detective Edward Crisp finds his relaxing summer swiftly disappearing before his eyes. But you can still enjoy your relaxing summer over this light and rather charming whodunnit. 

2. Sun protection cream. Very important. No one wants to emerge from a relaxing afternoon in the garden with burnt skin, or - perish the thought - to have to get up and go inside to top up on the Factor 50. Don’t forget to do your ears. 

3. A battery-operated radio. The ideal companion for a garden afternoon. Plays, music and chat are all there at the touch of a button. And if there’s a national emergency, you’ll be able to tune in for all the essential information you need without having to stir from your seat. 

4. A deck chair pillow. Deck chairs are very comfortable but even the most comfy of seating situations needs a little rearrangement now and then. A deck chair pillow straps handily to the top of your chair and allows for a snooze in between your various lounging activities. 

5. A long, cool drink. If you’re really smart you’ll also take out a Thermos with another long, cool drink in it, topped up with ice cubes, for an easy refill. 

6. A hat. Something in straw with a nice wide brim. For snoozing under, additional shade and generally wafting about as if you are in a Merchant Ivory film from the late 90s. 

7. A fly swat. Because you don’t want to have to use your nice hat for seeing off ill-tempered wasps.

8. A copy of The Simple Things. And maybe a few summer back issues, too. We say this only for your benefit, you understand. This is shaping up to be a nice, long afternoon and you wouldn’t want to run out of reading matter. 

9. A tinkly bell for attracting the attention of someone who can refresh your gin and tonic, swap the business section of the paper for the weekend magazine and answer the front door. 

10. A pole, or large stick for hoiking yourself out of the chair, just in case the tinkly bell falls upon deaf ears. You just can’t always get the deck chair staff these days…

Our deck chair must-be-able-to-reach items were inspired by the ‘Looking Back’ feature on the history of the deck chair in our July issue. We hope you can enjoy the read from your very own deck chair this month.

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Discover | Little Known Glastonbury Festival Facts

Glastonbury is a weird and wonderful place at the best of times, but it gets weirder and wonderfuller for a long weekend each summer as Worthy Farm opens its doors to the world again. The festival runs from 21-25 June this year, so in celebration of that, here are a few fascinating facts to casually drop into conversation while standing in a mud bath in front of the Pyramid Stage with friends (or watching from the comfort of your sofa with a cuppa in hand and your wellies nice and clean in the shed). 

1. The first Pyramid Stage (built in 1971) was modelled on the Pyramid of Giza, built at one tenth of the scale of its namesake. It was built to be on the Glastonbury Abbey and Stonehenge Ley Line to benefit from the line’s auspicious energies. 

2. Glastonbury has had many monikers in its time but since 1990 has been known as Glastonbury Festival for the Contemporary Performing Arts as Michael Eavis felt invoking theatre was more likely to get the event a licence from the local council.

3. In 1999, co-founder Jean Eavis died and a giant wicker angel was ceremonially burned at that year’s festival. REM dedicated their rendition of ‘Everybody Hurts’ to Jean that year. 

4. The wettest Glastonbury was in 2007 when 60.1mm of rain fell in a single day…

5. …And the highest wind speeds recorded at Glastonbury occurred in both 1985 and 1987 when gusts reached 41mph. Hold onto your tents!

6. Free milk from the farm was available at the first ever Glastonbury event in 1970. Worthy Farm still produces more than 10,000 litres a day and you can still buy the milk from the trucks that drive around the festival. 

7. Each year there is a secret stage called The Underground Piano Bar, which appears on no maps of the festival at all. You just have to find it (or find someone in the know). 

8. Glastonbury Festival has a Guiness Book of Records mention, not for its music but for a World Record in juggling! In 1984 826 people at the festival juggled at least three objects simultaneously, managing to keep 2,478 objects in the air at one time. 

9. Glasto 1987 is still fondly remembered as The Year of the Trouser Thieves. Many pairs of trews were nicked from tents overnight and later turned up in a ditch, but the trouserless masses emerging from their tents in the morning was a sight to behold. 

10. It’s not all about the music. Glastonbury has also hosted The English National Ballet, the Dalai Lama and The Wombles over the years.

You can read more about summer festivals in our feature ‘Best of the Fests’ in our June issue, in shops now.
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Modern History | Top Cats

Inspired by our visit to a cat cafe in our January issue, please meet five of our favourite cats from Modern History

Larry

Role: Downing Street, chief Mouser

Best known for: Smirking in the foreground at the scene of various PMs’ demises and lounging in a louche manner on the doorstep of number 10. 

Macak

Role: Inventor of the Hybrid Car

Best known for: Inspiring the electric car. Well, kind of… The story goes that as a boy Nicholas Tesla stroked his cat Macak’s back and saw sparks of static flying, which inspired his lifelong fascination with electricity and, by association, the hybrid car, years later when Elon Musk took up the Electricity Pioneer baton. What a cat!

Snowball

Role: Muse to Ernest Hemingway

Best known for: Having six toes. Snowball was given to Hemingway in the 1930s by a sea captain, and began the author’s love of polydactyl cats. Hemingway collected six-toed cats thereafter and many of Snowball’s ancestors still roam the grounds of Hemingway’s home in Key West. 

Felicette

Role: Astronaut

Best known for: Being the first cat in space (and the only one to have survived). Felicette beat 13 other unlucky cats to her place in the mission thanks to her unruffled disposition. One small step for man… four tiny paws for felinekind. 

Ollie the Polite Cat

Role: Being Polite

Best known for: Being the star of the 2018 viral meme ‘polite cat’ with his very polite (and quite possibly Photoshopped) smile. We’d probe further but it just wouldn’t be polite. Follow him on Instagram at @Polite_Cat_Olli_Official.

If you’d like to meet some more fabulous cats, don’t miss our Modern Eccentrics feature in which we visit a cat cafe, in the January issue, which is on sale now.

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Miscellany | How to do Coffee Art

Think it looks easy? Wake up and smell the coffee! One estimate is that you’ll need around 1,500 coffees to start getting heart art right – the simplest latte art shape to master.

Get the kit: a lipped steel milk jug, milk thermometer, and steam wand (part of the espresso machine).

And the right ingredients: whole milk (its fat content makes things easier) and a freshly made espresso.

Put in the prep: cold milk goes in the jug, with the wand near the base.

Gradually draw the wand upwards until it’s just below the milk’s surface. Look for small bubbles and a temperature in the mid-60Cs (don’t top 70C!). Go with the flow: to pour, tilt the cup and aim for a constant – not too fast, not too slow –pour. Level cup when nearly full to create what Jori @baristainstitute, calls the ‘canvas’. Add artistic flourishes: move the jug closer to add details – practise a gentle wiggle. For a heart, pour a circle and use a final pull through with the jug’s lip to make a heart. This final step is key to many designs.

Capture on camera: Jori suggests filming yourself. Note that he says it took him half a year to master latte art, only becoming ‘great’ after a few years.

The cheat's way: Use a stencil for chocolate or cinnamon on top instead.

These instructions are from our January Miscellany pages, which are always full of fascinating facts and seasonal silliness.

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