Good reasons to live on a houseboat

In our August issue, Pete and Emily Francis showed us around their houseboat and had us all hankering after a life on the ocean wave (or at least a life on the canal). To tempt you to the same, we’ve put together a watertight list of reasons why living on a houseboat is the best way to live. 

1. You never need to declutter. If the item wasn’t essential in the first place, you’d never have brought it on board. 

2. Whenever you’re sick of the view, you can change it. 

3. It’s very hard to have accidents because every surface has a ledge on it. No more broken mugs. 

4. You never have to shout up the stairs when it’s dinner time. Your family will simply see you put dinner on the table from six inches away. 

5. If you fall out with your neighbours you can move house the same day. 

6. You’ll never have trouble falling asleep; you’ll be rocked to the land of nod every night. 

7. And it’s never far to walk to the loo in the middle of the night either. 

8. You’ll save a fortune on ‘calming water sounds’ apps for your wellbeing. 

9. You can legitimately call yourself ‘captain’. And if you make a friend in the boating community you can promote yourself to admiral of the fleet. 

10. And if you ever suffer from dissent in the ranks you can make your family walk the plank. 

If you need any more (sensible) reasons to live on a houseboat, you can read about Peter and Emily’s lives aboard the Navah on page 88 of the August issue or follow them on Instagram at @littlefloatinghome.

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How to | work a canal lock

Learn a niche skill that looks ever so impressive

It’s always a joy to be able to step up at moments of group panic and confidently and smugly say ‘I’ll take care of that’. Should you find yourself navigating a narrow boat unexpectedly (it could happen) you’ll need to be able to work the canal’s locks in order to pilot the boat up or down the water. While all about you spill their Pimms and flap their hands in despair at the paddles, here’s how to calmly and collectedly navigate a lock. Ahoy!

1. Put down your beer, like a hero.

2. For the purposes of these instructions we’re going to assume you are travelling upstream. You need one person at the tiller (the steering pole) and one person operating the lock (that’s you). Check the lock. It should be clear with no boat approaching the other way. The water in the lock has to be at the same level as you are before you can open the gates and enter it. As we’re assuming you’re travelling up the canal, if the lock is not empty when you arrive, empty it by opening the paddles on the bottom gate. Once the water is at the same level as you, you can open the gates. 

3. Open the gate nearest the boat and ask the person at the tiller to take the boat (carefully) into the lock. It is traditional to shout ‘left a bit, left a bit, NO! YOU PUSH IT RIGHT TO GO TO THE LEFT!. That’s right… No TOO FAR NOW. Lawks! You nearly had the front off it then!’ as they steadily pilot the boat into the lock. Close the bottom gate behind the boat.

4. Open the paddles in the top gate and let the water into the lock. The paddles are the big Victorian iron cog shenanigans either side of the lock. Take your special key (called a windlass), place the hole in your windlass over the sticky-outy bit on the paddle and turn it to open. Stand to the side and keep your knees out of the way. If you accidentally let go of a windlass while the paddle is raised it can drop fast and the windlass can fly off and the paddles drop suddenly, causing horrible damage to the lock or you. It is permissible to swear colourfully if this happens. As the paddles open, the boat will rise slowly in the lock like well-proved loaf.

5. When the lock is full and the levels inside the lock and in front of you are level you will be able to open the top gate. Do so by putting your back against it and slowly leaning back to push it open, rather than bending over and pushing with your hands. This ‘pushing with your back’ manoeuvre prevents injury but more importantly will help mark you out as a canal know-it-all and impress any passers-by. 

6. Let your tiller person know to bring the boat out of the gate. If you want to sound smug and irritate the person at the tiller, shout casual and unhelpful commands like ‘take it to starboard a little’. No-one mortal can remember which way starboard is when under stress and in charge of a 60ft boat. Call them over to the bank with a louche wave of the hand, then step casually back on board and resume your position at your beer.

7. Graciously bask in the admiration of your crew and never tell them that it’s actually much easier to work a lock than it is to pilot the boat through one. Ahem.

In our July ‘Embrace’ issue, which is out now, we tried out a canal boating weekend courtesy of ABC Boat Hire. They are currently offering discounts for 202 and have a few last minute deals on breaks this year, too. Pick up a copy of the July issue in shops now for more details.

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Win! A canal boat holiday with ABC Boat Hire (closed 30 September 2015)

Do you fancy drifting quietly downriver playing skipper of your own barge? Enter our competition to win a boating break

When you board a canal boat for the week and set sail on the winding waterways, you get a chance to discover the countryside from a different perspective. Ducks and coots paddling beside you, butterflies alighting on waterlillies, woodland wildflowers creeping down to the water’s edge and pub gardens inviting you to moor up.

You’ll be captain of your own ship with no one to bother you. Full training is provided, along with buoyancy aids and a boat license. All the boats have small, fully-equipped kitchen areas, heating in case it gets chilly in the evenings and even waterproofs for the helmsman. You can choose from 14 start locations, from Falkirk in Scotland to Hilperton in Wiltshire. Dogs are welcome, too. Hop aboard and see the countryside at your own pace.

Find out more

0330 3330 590
abcboathire.com

Details and how to enter

l The prize includes one seven-night, self-drive, self-catering canal boat holiday for four people, at the winners’ choice of departure location. There must be a minimum of two adults to operate the boat safely. Bed linen, towels, fuel and damage waiver are included. Worth £1500. l Prize must be taken between 15 March and 15 September 2016, starting on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday. Subject to availability.

l View full terms and conditions and enter by 30 September 2015. You can see Iceberg Press’ full terms and conditions on page 129 of the September 2015 issue (out 29 September) and at icebergpress.co.uk/comprules/ 

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Watch: Go slow with a canal boat documentary

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