Sorry to bother, but we just wondered whether you find yourself apologising too often. No worries at all if you don’t have time to think about this…
If you recognise that you regularly use apologetic language, pause and take a moment to read back over your emails or messages before you press send, and tweak them to ensure that you’re not devaluing your needs.
Positive psychology practitioner and coach, Ruth Cooper-Dickson says we should also take a moment before responding if somebody asks something of us, especially if it’s a colleague, client or even a friend who we always say yes to. This is obviously easier if the request comes in by email or text message, but if you’re speaking directly, you could simply say that you need to check your workload or diary, and you’ll get back to them as soon as you can.
Ruth says: “Be honest and assertive, sometimes you really do need to put yourself first.” My own experiences of over-apologising led to me write a novel appropriately entitled No Worries If Not! (HarperNorth) about one woman’s mission to stop saying sorry. And while I never use that phrase to sign off emails any more, I know I still apologise when I needn’t.
The key is not to beat yourself up over it. As Ruth says, self-compassion is about recognising when we over apologise, but being kind to ourselves when we slip up. She said: “Instead of hitting ourselves over the head with the proverbial stick when we catch ourselves needlessly apologising, we should see it as a learning exercise and move on.” Besides, as Charlotte finds out in my book, sometimes there is a place for an apology. Do it less often and it can pack a much greater punch.
This was an extract from our wellbeing feature ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ from our May issue. Read more about why we tend to over-apologise and how to stop from page 48.
Buy this month's The Simple Things - buy, download or subscribe
